On being me.
Seventeen, coming up to eighteen, nowhere near a man. Or even an adult. I've known for a while that there's no magic button or switch that marks the end of transition, of ageing and growing up, but if anything I sure wish there were a milestone. Anything to give me a hint.
Here's the deal. I can't decide what to do with my life.
Wait no that's not it. I have several options, sticking to the straight and narrow and opting for the (expected-of-me) Uni course or diving off and doing something, which has all the tones of foolish romanticism and idealism. I'm torn. For some reason, these two paths can't hold themselves in parallel, as if they were mutually exclusive. There seems to be no compromise. The longer I keep myself in this state of limbo, the worse I feel.
Oh yes. Hark at the young man who has so many opportunities (that others may never catch a smell of) and can't bring himself to choose. For his life is really pitiable.
The decision is complicated by several things. For a time now my interest in the chosen subject and my ability to focus on college work has been deteriorating. Not enough to be noticed by tutors, but enough to the extent that the congratulations people give me leave me with the sensation of being a fraud. I can't pin down why this is the case, or whether or not I'm just lazy. I didn't use to feel so apathetic, but in the past, things were just different. More simple.
It's clear to me that if I go on to University with the inability to focus I'll fail and will have wasted time and money. I can't muddle through and expect to get by anymore. Until this problem clears I don't think I am yet ready to go.
And I'm not even sure I want to go. This could be fear talking or it could be something else. But I can't help but feel that my affinity for the subject is due to having always done it and having not done anything else.
Or perhaps I don't want to grow up.
Sometimes I'm just sick of all the crap that gets heaped down your throat by the wonderful force known as education. I remember GCSE year, thinking that it seems so strange that for many years you're expected to toe the line, back straight, shirt tucked in and then suddenly, they want you to think for yourself? Holy crap, want a quantum leap that is...
I didn't have a particular good state education. Not to say I didn't enjoy myself, but I learned more about human nature then what Government would have like me to have learned.
As for the other choice, that's mired by even more by fear then going the straight and narrow. Perhaps because it requires me to plunge myself into the deep end of life or because it may not work or because it would involve having conversations and talks and looks from people that I don't particularly want to have.
So I have a choice. But God only knows what I'm going to choose.
On being Level 3
So I'm level 3 now, which around here is a sign of being a permanent member of everything, no longer just admiring the furniture but actual sitting in it now. This has taken me nearly three years.
I don't know many of you. This is primarily out of awe and respect and the fact that I'm bumbling idiot in conversation through text or otherwise.
I can tell you why I stayed here though. One of the reasons, is that here I feel my exact age. 17 Years of experience living, no more, no less. There is no condescending tone in these nodes, but wisdom.
I feel as if my time here has made me a better person (maybe not a better writer...). I get the feeling a lot of people say that.
What I've liked best overall however, is the amount of support people have given me. I don't think I've ever received a message that has been unproductively critical (then again maybe I haven't given you any reasons to do that yet... just kidding). Even when I've buggered up, complaints have never been rude. So to this I should say: thanks for putting up with me.