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I don't always like myself for falling off the face of the earth, but sometimes there is no other alternative.<> As in right now, I haven't picked up a keyboard or made a long distance call in about a month. I just haven't wanted to.

Dad had a heart attack. What else is there to say? We can't get him stabilized enough to let him have the operation, so he'll stay right where he is until....Until what?!?!And I am dead serious about not hearing anything pitying. I refuse to feel sorry for myself, so I don't wanna hear anyone else feel sorry for me. Feel badly for him, he's the one who's really being dealt the unfairness. Being so damn uncomfortable, embarassed, frustrated, scared, in those friggin' beds unable to turn over on his side without someone helping him. I get to this point, and I hope someone has the sense and decency to take me out back and shoot me like the lame horse I am. This is all just so not fair!

So, let me do my thing, already. You now, go to ICU everyday, sit on the edge of the chair until he calls me by my mother's name, and jump at the chance to make this as easy as possible for him.

If I'm not there, I'm at home with Thor working at the bench, working silver or paint, or playing with Freya, the '73 Volkswagon bug I got him for his birthday.

I get nine days off from this. I leave for Arizona Friday morning, and I am so looking forward to this reprieve. I covered for Mom while she was in California two weeks ago, so now it's my turn.

I am not bitching, I'm actually really damn glad I'm here. I just don't have a lot to say, and I'm having a hard time relating to outside situations because I'm so concentrated on this. So please, just understand.