Note and warning: This writeup is intended for people who can take a laugh at G*d without being offended. No disrespect is intended to anyone's feelings.

I bet many of you practice, to some extent, some religion. I, for instance, am a non-religious Jew. I bet there're some Christian readers with me, maybe some other Jews or a Buddhist or maybe even one of my cousins, a Muslim, el'Hamdu li'Allah. Some of you may be religious for real, like going to church or eating only Kosher food or praying three times a day, and some of you may be not. But even I, with no belief in my heart and a very modest set of Mitzvos behind me, have done some things for my religion or for God. I had a Bar Mitzvah, I fasted on a Yom Kippur or two, heck, they even, ah, cut off some of my... Oh, God, never mind. You don't want the gory details.

So yes, I'm no great Rabbi and I assume you're no priest (or Cadi, etc). But I did some things for God. And I ask. What has God done for me lately? Yes, I realize that in some sense, if I had belief in me, I could say that God has done everything for me, lately or not. But I'm not talking in the global sense. I'm asking in the local sense. What has God done for you lately, physically, so you could see it, right now, in you face, in a direct response to a request?

I think your answer is the same as mine. Very, very little. And I'm saying that just to be nice.

Try it out. Ask something from God. Don't ask for anything big, just ask for a quarter. Ask for a refill of your Pepsi. Have God mow your lawn. Ask God to wipe your computer's screen clean. Yes, She can send a cherub if She doesn't feel like cleaning at the moment, for Christ's sake. I'm not sitting next to you right now, I don't know what you asked, but I bet that just like my printer didn't have its A4 tray refilled as I asked, so did God ignore your request. No, I'm not a saint or anything, but for crying out loud, all I asked was for A4 papers, God damn it! Is that so much to ask for? I'd like to re-iterate here. When I was 8 days old, the damn moile took a knife to my private parts. All I want is 50 A4s!

Now, thinking about this, I can do better. I think that when placed against God, in the free market, I can win. It's very simple really. I can compete against any God, feature for feature, and win in some. No, I can't do miracles. You can pray for me all you want, nothing will happen. But when was the last time God turned the Red Sea dry for you to cross? So on the miracle front, God and I are on par, as my miracles - I admit - are non-existent, but his miracles, well, we've not seen them in a while. But - yes, there's a but - on the nanomiracleTM front - I beat any God hands down.

My religion is based on nanomiracles. I don't do rivers and lightning bolts. But I can pass you the salt, buddy. I can help you up when your computer is acting funny. If you drop your pen, I'll pick it up for you. Yes, I will replenish your A4 paper tray, just give me 5$ and tell me where's the nearest Office Depot.

No, not all the nanomiracles come true. I don't have time for that. I'm doing this whole Godhood business as a side job. But every now and then, I beat God hands down. Something is more than nothing. Send me a chatterbox request, ask me how's the weather in my area. I'll stick my head out the window for you. I'll answer. I'll take a bloody webcam, attach it to my linux laptop, go outside, take some pictures of the sky and email them to you. Now try asking God for that. Yeah right. I bet nothing new is in your inbox now. See my point? I'm not a God, I'm a demi-God. But I take God out on all accounts.

Some would say that there's an issue of belief which I don't provide. Fine, believe in me. My belief services are free. Some say that they can't believe a God they can see. That's fine. For a modest fee of 99.95$, you can undergo a JIT blinking course, and blink whenever you see me - uhm, actually, not see me. You ask where's the catch. No catch. You ask what worship do I ask. Practically nothing. You don't have to go to church. You can drink booze and you can chew on swine. No, you don't have to stay virgin till you're married! Coming to think of it, I believe I'll declare that one a sin. All you have to do, is buy me a slice of Pizza or order me a Mac Royal once in a month. That's it. Once in a month, about 7$, and yes, I will get up from my seat, and have your coke refilled. You can stay where you are. It's a nanomiracle.

If this thing catches (why won't it?!), I'll add priests to my religion. How many slices of pizza do you think I can eat? After a while, it's only natural that my top ranking believers will be declared priests, and receive some pizza for themselves. In my opinion, receiving an unsolicited slice of pizza late at night when you're on a hacking run, that's virtually a full blown miracle, or at least a micromiracle. If you're a shy moron, I will personally call the cute girl from the office next door, and ask her out for you. You won't have to make a fool of yourself anymore. C!, isn't it? I think so too. Direct GodhoodTM, it's almost the future.

Why almost? Because Distributed GodhoodTM is the Ultimate Solution For Everything. Much like Gnutella or SETI, Distributed Godhood works off the premise that we can combine the powers of weak peers into an awesome organism. A Great Machine. A System. A God. Think of it. In my religion, Everyone will be a God. Everyone will be a worshipper. Just imagine. You walk down the street, wearing your shiny GodBadge with pride, someone walks up to you and asks for a quarter. You give it to him no sweat and Ching! - nanomiracle. Then you go to see a movie. Two babes are sitting in front of you. You ask one of them to switch places with you, cuz her friend is really cute and what does she care, she can go with her friend to the movies any day and you just want a chance to sit next to such a beautiful thing. You guessed it. Ching. Nanomiracle. Could you get me a tissue? Help me carry these bags? Translate this sign for me please, I'm not a native (Distributed Godhood is international)? Hold this up for a second, I'll screw in the nail. Tell me - and be honest - does this shirt make me look fat? Anything you want, from anyone on the street. Nanomiracles all over, shared freely, taken freely.

I think this is a really powerful idea. Perhaps... If it's not too much to ask. Maybe, someday, Humanity as a whole will awaken from its slumber, look itself in the eye, and... Oh it won't be. Just... Just maybe we'll all be so used to doing small things for one another, that we'll just wake up in the morning, and in front of CNN, El-Jazira, BBC Prime, Reuters, or whatever, we will ask for the final nanomiracle. "World peace." We will whisper. Poof. It's such a small thing really, for every one of us. And Distributed Godhood can bring it. God willing.


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