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Wouldn't you know it. Out of all the things that suck about being a brain in a jar, this is probably the worst.

Here I was, sitting comfortably in my bath of neural solution, with three crazed, drunken Trekkies bearing down on me. And to top it all off, I was hungry for some Miracle-Gro.

"Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!" screamed the first again, brandishing his Palm Pilot.

The second one had a plastic phaser that he must have gotten out of a Trix box. I wasn't worried about him.

"Nyeeeh," said the most brain-damaged of the three. He had a board with a nail through it. I'd never actually seen one of those before. I thought that swords and daggers were a little more commonplace at SF&F cons, but I had obviously been mistaken.

"Your Spock ears are coming off," I said to him. He blinked and reattached them.

"Dammit, Ray, how many times have I told you!" screamed the first. "NEVER LISTEN TO THE BRAIN IN A JAR!"

"Okay, why are you doing this?" I asked. "I didn't do anything to you!"

"Allow me to explain," replied the leader. "The typical male geek wants three things. They are soy, monkeys, and lesbians. Or barring that, soy monkey lesbians."

"Lesbians! Monkeys! Soy!" the third yelled as he took a whack at my life-support system with the board.

"Monkeys! Lesbians! Soy!" the second chimed in. Then he stood there uncomfortably, fiddling with his plastic phaser.

"Get 'im, boys," snarled the lead Trekkie. And I took off down the hall, my little wheeled stand racing as fast as it could, screaming for the security guards. All I can say is, the people in the suite next to us had an unforgettable wedding reception.

For behold, I have accepted the nodeshell challenge, and I have been cooled , and life is sweet.

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