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I was shrooming when I met her. Shrooming really hard. With crazy thoughts racing through my mind, it was hard to focus on anything. I was in her head though - analyzing and understanding her every thought, every glance, every carefully chosen word. Pondering her intentions, sifting through the layers of verbal bullshit to understand who she wanted me to see. Her eyes grazed my face, pausing momentarily on my own. I knew what she was going to say before she said it: "Can I play with your eyelashes?"

Warm smile – long blond hair
Pretty green eyes and skin damned fair
For sure lucky to get with a girl like that
Couldn’t pass this chance no matter what...

She's drunk on a Monday night, and I'm trying to score.
"I don't give a fuck about this girl at all," I say to Worm on the drive over to her house, "I'm just looking for sex." He nods his agreement. It doesn't take long for an opportunity to present itself.

"Can you take a picture of my tits to send to Melanie?" I don't even try to contain myself. She lifts her shirt and I snap a shot.

"Mmm nice. Lick them for me." She obliges and I snap another picture. We make eye contact for a second. I drop my phone. "My turn." I dive in before she has a chance to stop me, licking and sucking on her perky little Hershey-kiss nipples like there's no tomorrow. Putting my arm around her waist I toss her onto her bed and climb on top.

Pretty woman though, not all she seemed
Soon grim reality, and not a dream
Wasn’t the first, certainly not her last
Moment of weakness, became victim of her past

The next few weeks are glorious. We gave new meaning to the term "Public Display of Affection". Blowing off school, work and other friends, I stay with her every night. She tells me her dreams, her hopes and her fears. She tells me why she drinks, why she smokes, why she gets nervous when she's alone. I meet her friends and they get angry at her. They think I've charmed her. They try to sit her down and talk things over while I'm outside having a smoke. She walks outside and sits in my lap, kissing me with a bit too much tongue, just to make a point.

We throw back shots and fuck without condoms. We lose track of her orgasms. Pounding liquor and hitting the bong between fuck-sessions, we enjoy each other wholly and publicly. Her body against the glass of the back door, the neighbors can't help but watch as they walk past. Their jaws drop and they can't help but stare. My roommate laughs and waves as he leaves for class. One hand resting on the small of her back, I use the other to wave back.

Had his night of empty pleasure with his bell,
if he could only escape from this hell
Turn back time but time gone too late
Nothing left to do but lean back, sit and wait.

She has the courage to tell me in person at least, when she finally does it. We are sitting outside smoking cigarettes and enjoying the Florida winter in shorts and t-shirts. She brings it up casually, as if it's not a big deal - as if I shouldn't mind, as if it was worth it. I hang onto every syllable as she spits it out, frantically trying to get a grip on reality. Her words echo through the dark, empty halls of my mind forever.

"I have HIV."

Nothing left to do - by Outlandish

If you have never been through this I'll do my best to explain. Should this be an experience of yours then you know what I'm about to say. The setting could be anywhere you find a fairly large group of people hanging out together. Initially you might seem alone however what the other party goers don't know is that you had a previous connection with someone else in the room. After making your way into the kitchen you realize that the person you were formerly intimate with isn't going to greet you. Later on you get a muttered 'sorry' when he has to edge past you. Other than that one word exchange his conversation is directed at everyone else but you know him well enough to realize that at least fifty percent of his offhand comments are oblique references to conversations the two of you shared.

Lies he told you echo in your head while a friendly smile turns hostile when you cross his line of vision. Another sip of your drink does little to cool your smoldering rage. Quickly you swallow a six month build up of choice words you've saved especially for a moment like this knowing that people will think you're jealous instead of someone with a legitimate grievance. Around you the party is in full swing. Your former lover is laughing, his speaking voice is just loud enough for you to hear about the female friend responsible for his fabulous mood. Mingling couples laugh at a joke he stole from you. Mentally you prepare a withering speech that will leave him under your heel for good. Fifteen minutes later you're outside crying even though you've told yourself he's not worth it.

Alone with the moon you tell yourself that anyone could put gas in your car but he did it without being asked because he knew you were sick. Eventually you remember that he confided in you when he found out his dad was losing his job. You were also the first person he told about his mom having cancer. Idly you wonder how she's doing now. She was always nice to you, both of his parents were. Tomorrow morning you're going to wake with a start. Past events spin through your muddled mind. You're cursing the few drinks you had wondering what exactly you said and who knows what about your past. You thought that was all behind you and it was until you saw him with a drink in his hand and a disingenuous smile.

Nervously you watch him watch you wondering if you should start talking, afraid that he won't say the words you want to hear. Last night he could have taken advantage of you, you would have given him whatever he wanted. Supposedly all he needed yesterday was a place to crash because he was tired of his roommate's girlfriend being over every weekend. Crazily you wonder if you could forgive him for what he did to you and what about that guy you went out with the other night? Before he says anything you give him a quick kiss on the cheek. A fresh beginning is what you need. You tell him as much as you walk out the door. Maybe today he'll call, maybe tomorrow he'll realize what he gave up. Until then you tossed the ball back in his court and maybe that's where you both need it to stay.

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