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(Standard Non-Meatatarian Disclaimer: This is meant more as a comment on relationships than any timber for the flame war turned blazing inferno that is the Innocent Vegetable Killers vs. People Who End Animals Lives Safely and Use Their Protein to be Healthy and Promote World Peace Debate. *tease*)

Last summer, I was in Fire & Ice with a bunch of my Summerbridge Cambridge friends. My friend Hillary (who has since deported herself from The People's Republic of Cambridge to Seattle to start her own grunge folk band) and I were standing in line at the vegetarian section of the grill, when this couple walks up.

They were very obviously on their first date from the slightly awkward way they acted towards each other. Not that they were uncomfortable, but it was obviously something new to both of them. Suddenly, he noticed that she was in the vegetarian line. He seemed angry, very tense. He asked her cautiously..."Are you vegetarian?" She arched her brow quizzically at him as if it was an odd question to be asking. She replied curtly, "Umm...no? I just think it's quicker to wait in the vegetarian line since hardly anybody's a vegetarian." A torrent of relief flooded over him. The look he had wouldn't have been any different if he had just found out that his Dad had made it through quadruple bypass surgery. Stuttering, he admitted, "Well, good...the last girl I dated was a vegetarian. We couldn't go anywhere and so it just didn't work out."

Both my and Hillary's ears perk up at this conversation, mostly because we were both vegetarians. Neither of us were Militant Vegan Fuckers nor were we Save the Innocent Cows Vegetarians, we just had our own ethical reasons for not eating meat and we didn't hold other people to our own standards. But we still heard the conversation, and because these two people were standing behind us, we both gave each other a look and almost burst out laughing.

It would have been rude to have started laughing at them. So we did the next best logical thing, we broke into spontaneous parody:

Hillary: Would you go out with me?
Me: Well, I think so, but it's just...
Hillary: What is it? Does this dress make me look fat?
Me: No, it's not just that...well, it's that you're vegetarian.
Hillary: Yeah, are you okay with that?
Me: I don't think it's going to work out...
Hillary: Not going to work out?
Me: Well, it's not you, it's me, it's just...where are we going to eat if you're vegetarian?
Hillary: Well...lots of places, like ... what about here?
Me: But hardly any fast food...*sigh*
Hillary: What about Taco Bell? Or Subway?
Me: Taco Hell...bah! I need some hearty meat...I can't get it on without a big McHeartAttack in one hand and some greasy sausage in the other.
Hillary: Ewww! *shudder*
Me: Shh! Don't ruin my fantasy! It just can't work out...I mean, that's what dating is all about, right? just going out to eat and then to a movie?. I mean, if there's no dinner...then what?
Hillary: Then you'll just have to live without the "dessert". Hmmph!

I have no idea if they heard us speaking, because we got our food before we could hear them keep talking. I'd like to think that she moved onto somebody more worthwhile, or that he got over his restaurant repression complex, but one can only hope.

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