Hello, my name is artemis entreri
. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases
poor scores on final exams
, lack of sexual activity
, fear of being kidnapped
and executed by anal electrocution
, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion
fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them,
that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer
brought on by second-hand
from the cigarette
s smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took
pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography
web site will
get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe
that Bill Gates
is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000?
How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and
make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret
model in the catalog!
What a bunch of bullshit
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have
nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards
. Maybe the evil
chain letter leprechauns
will come into my apartment and sodomize
me in my
sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus
in 5 A.D. and
was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower
and if it makes
it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records
continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward
something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this
to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being
will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence
and think about what you're
actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
The Four Basic Types of Chain Letters:
Chain Letter Type 1
Make a wish
Really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else
Not that, you pervert
Is your finger
getting tired yet?
Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's
what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next
5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat
and then thrown off a high building
into a pile of manure
. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those
ones, THIS one is TRUE
!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them
a stupid chain letter
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them
a stupid chain letter
*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little
boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats
This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on,
a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy
from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund
. Remember, we have no way of counting letters
sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will
. Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence
since 1897. This is absolutely
incredible because there was no email
then and probably not as many little 8
year olds writing chain letters
. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067
people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday.
She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack
in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
. This Could Happen To You!!!
Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his
mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend
(hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell
. They continued
to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day
for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley
and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends
, and everything
will be Ok.
Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should
be raped by a mad goat
and then thrown to vicious dogs
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check
and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no, sorry; that's the cleaning lady
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish
of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild muts
There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters
onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If
you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward
sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this
around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story
is, if you get a chain letter
, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send
it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy
), or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up
in a waterfall of turds) just delete
it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else
in the world, and say, "FUCK CHAIN LETTERS!!!