#include <rant.h>

Hello, my name is artemis entreri. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.

So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

The Four Basic Types of Chain Letters:

Chain Letter Type 1

(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

Queer Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!!! Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Chain Letter Type 4
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no, sorry; that's the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be eaten by wild muts

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks! Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen), or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say, "FUCK CHAIN LETTERS!!!"
I've been abused by my "friends" via email since 1996. I wrote this one day after a peculiarly large barrage of abuses landed in my inbox. See the original at my website.

How to abuse email and your friends at the same time

Write an email following the pattern below and send it to all your "friends"
This pattern is the result of hours of research and development by thousands of mindless email address owners.

[Statement describing how this message positively affected your life]

----Original Message----
From: [email address of sender]
To: [list of victims email addresses; length indeterminate]
Subject: Generic Message [statement obligating recipient to victimize others]

[repeat email header above as desired]
Notice how your victims harm each other by exposing as many email addresses as possible. If you are successful, this list of victims' email addresses might be forwarded to malicious entities.

[Insert generic message here]
Remember as you are crafting your message that its purpose is to appeal to your victims' sensibilities, increasing the probability that they will victimize others by forwarding your message.
Suggested topics include, but are not limited to:
Religion, romance, patriotism, familial love, inspiration, politics, and finances.
A recent favorite is to use scare tactics by describing an imagined catastophe while asserting that the victims associates will only be safe after they have been victimized by your message.
There is no need for creativity: your victims are sufficiently gullible.
Interestingly enough: large graphics, garish colors, sound clips, animations (especially animations that flash large graphics, garish colors and sound) seem to increase the probability that your message will be forwarded while simultaneously making it more annoying to read.

[Tracking statement; Optional]
Again, craft this statement to play on your victim's sensibilities. You may ignore the reality that email tracking is impossible: your victims certainly will.

[Obligation to forward; Optional, but highly recommended]
The easiest way to do this is to simply say: Forward this email.
Imposing time limits sometimes helps, as many victims will obey and by the time they get a rational thought halfway inside their minds, the message is already on the way to all their friends. Example: "Forward this to 15 people in 10 minutes."
Use whatever method you can to incent your victims to forward your message.
Suggested methods: blatantly false promises, obviously empty threats, and perhaps the most successful of all: guilt.
Guilt is used by suggesting that the victim is not religious, patriotic, caring, or intelligent. (The beautiful irony with that last one is that if they were intelligent, they wouldn't have read this far!)

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