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Well, day two of this leap. This man's body is a mess and I've spent seven hours in the bathroom today because whatever this man eats, it is not fit for human consumption. When it comes out, bad news. Took me another three hours to convince Al it was safe to come back and give me information from Ziggy, who is a special computer and I have no time to explain. I am from the future, 1999.

This man is apparently a Nazi war criminal, although I have found no Nazi things in his hotel room. He has a teddy bear and a dildo in the bed and I think he throws up when he sleeps because that is the only explanation for what is going on with the pillow. I contacted the front desk and had a new one brought in. Maybe if I eat healthy meals and not just the cans of Dinty Moore beef stew this character has lined up along with black licorine and an unmarked bottle with a lot of unmarked pills I cannot identify. There is a note in the bottle that says "take one to stop urge to kill." This is smething I find quite concerning. I have leaped into murderers before, but this fellow was apparently experimented on by sick Nazi doctors in a mountain retreat and the only way to destroy him is to take him to Bavaria and throw him in the fireplace in which he was conceived and born.

I don't know what to do with this leap. Al says there is a 92% chance that I am here to help Behr reunite with his buddy Chopper. They had a falling out when Chopper ratted on Behr for killing thousands of innocent people who really deserved killing because of their failures in life, but Chopper has since recanted his evidence, claiming to be under the influence of crystal meth at the trial (one look at his teeth - ew - but Behr loves him). Chopper then arranged for all the other witnesses to have "accidents." The feeling you get from violently killing a man is orgasmic. Like a really good blowjob from a hooker with mouth sores that lubricate your manhood.

Whoa. I do NOT feel that way. This man is in my head, or maybe I am in his, or maybe we are boh in yours. Are you sure you are awake? How do we know that we can only access everything2.com while in a dream state because when you really wake up, and I mean really wake up, there will be no Internet and you'll be scrubbing toilets and getting ass raped by insane gym teachers all day long.

Whoa, where did that come from?

I am going to ask kind people in bars if they would like to drive me to Baltimore in search of Chopper.

Hope I can hold on to my sanity on this leap. Al says I have scary look in my eyes. I can't help it. This person was born with two lazy eyes, one that looks up and the other down. Just not something you want to look at.

Behr has a list thumb tacked to the wall of the hotel room. It is a "to do list" like people's pointless grandmothers have. 

  1. Practice cool move with sunglasses
  2. Masturbation in Planet Fitness bathroom (magazine helpful)
  3. Canvass neighborhood for sightings of hairless ass weasel and offspring
  4. Buy frozen hamburgers by the case and toaster to bake them in

I don't know what to make of this guy. Thanks for listening, friends.

I do not want to be writing this today. The other day I had asked my manager if I could have off today and work tomorrow, he wanted me to come in just in case the other person who had been scheduled to open didn't arrive. I called off the condo deal. They want me to buy it as is, no matter what an inspection might reveal, and I would have to waive my right to go back on the purchase even if something horrible was discovered. The idea that something I wanted so badly was so close had me considering this, but fortunately rational thought prevailed. This is all the money that I have. Work was slow, one of the reps from another company came in and we chatted. He said something personal that I didn't expect, customers came in, and then he told me that he had to go, maybe he did, but I wonder.

I am so tired today. I am sad, I am lonely, I'm impatient, frustrated, angry, and a whole host of other things. I drove back home without really seeing the sun. It's hard to believe that just yesterday there was a thick coating of snow on my car and the countryside; a white layer of buttercream precipitation on the cake of Wisconsin soil. I pulled out my Women Who Love Too Much book and started crying as I read that. A friend of mine said something that reminded me of convenience store comfort so I went back to read that. I had forgotten I had ever written it, and yes, I think it is fair to say that I have come so far as to be light years ahead of where I had been. The woman there is now a much closer friend, we touch base periodically, but she is a night owl and I am the lark so our conversations are long paragraphs of us pouring out our hearts and souls to each other knowing that the other will respond in due time and when energy levels permit.

Today I was thinking about the things that make me happy, bring me joy, things I have never done, and I had a sudden realization that a new life for me was possible. I think that I have been shopping for the wrong thing. What I want is a structure that will make me feel better, the only problem with that, is four walls and windows can't do that for me. The only way out is through so as I sit here deflated, upset, crying about the things that have gone before me, the things going on now, the things that will feel oppressive tomorrow, I can feel a sense of pride in myself for putting these thoughts out here. I have been writing for a long time, several weeks ago a girlfriend of mine came over and I tossed inches of pages covered in my handwriting. It's as if I'm on a mission to erase the past, as if once the evidence of it is gone, I will feel better. But that is only somewhat true. Today I left work early, came home, made a beef roast, and ate half a pan of brownies with my youngest while her sister was at work.

Life is good. 

J

P.S. I'm putting together a plan and I'm excited about it. Nervous, but optimistic. Stay tuned.

Xoxo,

j

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