Something happened today that I thought would never happen here.

Someone recently posted a list of personal details about someone that is very dear to me; someone who does not have an account here (as far as I know) and cannot defend themselves. I have messaged this user to let them know that I consider it inappropriate. They also list many people equally close to me and talk about love. I'm not sure they really understand love, or hate. I understand both.


So, to that person, I say this. You recently enquired after me. I am fine. I am fine as long as you stay out of my life, my business, my family and my friends. But by posting that you have made a mistake, because you name so many people close to me and give away potentially identifying information. I have already spoken to a few of these people. The response from one of them is as follows: "I’m tempted to open an account so I can say just how inappropriate that was."

What the fuck were you thinking?

I can't force you to do anything. But posting a list of names of people with any identifying information is not appropriate. I'm asking you to take it down. You need never contact me again either directly or indirectly. You need never write again about me, my family, or my friends.

You will note how much care I took not to include identifying information here. No matter my feelings I'm not one to doxx another. But I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.


To the rest of you, I'm sorry to bring this tiny glimpse of my dark side in here; I hope you never see it again.


Edit: 25th April, 2022. Almost a year later and I can finally write about how long it took me to pare this down before I posted it. There was a lot more, including a line to tell them to cross the road if ever they ever saw me. It wasn't a threat of violence, I'm past that. It was more "I will expose who you truly are". They have caused more hurt to those I love than anyone else I know in my whole lifespan. I have a loathing for them stronger than the man who attempted to rape my first wife.

I'm feeling more like myself lately. Still not 100% back to normal — not sure if I ever will be, or can realistically expect to be — but I no longer feel like a useless piece of crap, so that's progress.  

I'm crediting my recovery to the huge to-do list I started in October or November. It's a culmination of everything I've been procrastinating for the past few years. Some items on the list exceed 10 years. As more ideas come to me, both new and old, I write those down as well. My Master List is divided into parts: the Original List, Jan/Feb, and March/April. I'll add a May/June section tomorrow. Of the Original List, I've completed 36 out of 53 items, making it two-thirds complete. I'm pretty happy about that.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I'm getting shit done instead of letting it pile up and take up space in my brain. The best analogy I can think of is when you turn on a computer and it takes forever to start up because it has too many programs turned on at once. One way to fix (or alleviate) the problem is by turning the automatic startup settings to "off" for the programs you don't use every day. You can also uninstall a program if you don't use it anymore. That's the approach I'm taking with my brain. The Master List allows me to organize all the programs and files in my mind and decide which ones to prioritize. Most can be removed by completion or deletion. Make health insurance claim for eye appointment? Done. Try on a pair of those fuzzy pants I saw at Mark's? Not possible; they've been removed from the shelves. Cross out, delete. Both items are now gone forever from my mind. Now I can shift my focus to something else, remove that, and so on.

Using this method, I've managed to put more thought into buying a house. I still have a retirement plan with a company I used to work for, and it's been sitting there doing nothing for the past 10 or so years. Yeah I know, what a waste, right? So I called them up and re-gained access to my account. I looked into the government program that allows first-time homebuyers to withdraw money from their RRSP account, without being taxed, so long as they use that money for a house. Then I figured out how much of my RRSP contributions I can claim as a deduction for the 2021 tax year, divided that number by 12, and set up automatic monthly deposits in that amount. I should probably deposit more money in that account, but I want to read up more on other investing methods. This setup should work for now. 

My Master List also contains creative projects I've been wanting to do. If there's one thing I learned from The Artist's Way, it's that our inner artist needs attention. I view my inner artist as a child. She wants to put shiny stickers in the planner, so I let her do that. She wants to go hiking in the nearby park? Okay, let's go on Saturday. We've made a flower pen, planted moonflower seeds, decorated cupcakes with handmade chocolate designs, and handbound a sketchbook with a glittery cover. She's my new partner-in-crime. She comes up with the ideas, and I figure out how to make them happen. We're usually able to agree on a design that makes us both happy.

I still feel scatterbrained at times. In the time I sat down to type this, I've gotten up to do a load of laundry, plant stinging nettle seeds, and look for the Bulk Barn flyer. I'm heading out soon to buy a few uncommon ingredients for making vegan feta cheese, vegan cashew cheese, and water kefir. As for when I'll get to make those things, who knows. My mother spends most of her time puttering in the kitchen. I can hardly make a pot of coffee without her walking in to do something like clean the counter that isn't dirty or pull out the pots and pans she won't use for another three hours. She'll be in the other room when I walk in, and within two minutes she's decided that now is the best time to eat a banana in front of the sink. It's her house, yeah, but come on. This is a common area. I should be able to make a sandwich without saying "excuse me" just to get a knife from the drawer. People need space. My father won't make his wine unless she's out of the house because she does the same thing to him, and he hates it. She knows he hates it but does it anyway. I don't understand why she acts that way. I sometimes won't eat lunch because I don't feel like dealing with her. Anyway, that's enough of that rant. I focus on my projects and keep to myself. I will have my own place eventually. Until then, I'll suck it up and pay the price. 

It's windy and cold outside. It has been snowing on and off all day. My laundry should be finished soon, and then I'll have one hour to do my shopping. I do have a couple of bigger projects on the go. I'll talk about those some other time, once I've made more progress. Gotta deal with these little tasks first and clear my head a bit more. 

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