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Out of the blue a friend emailed me. My aunt emailed me. I could have gone to hang out with my sisters, but stayed at home instead. Where I'm at is scaring me. For a while I was diligent about cleaning, dishes, and laundry. Now I do the minimum. Yesterday my ex stood in the living room telling me that he didn't think anything more than a multivitamin was necessary for my oldest. I can't argue. Fighting is stupidity so I said nothing. He fixed the sink or at least he tried. I haven't used it yet. I found some piano music, stumbled across it accidentally. The feelings are so strong when I listen to it, I hear it saying things to me that songs with words can't and don't. I dropped my youngest off at school this morning. She's stubbornly beautiful, telling me she doesn't like such and such, I'm taken back to a time where I didn't like such and such and the crack of a hand against my cheek or the sting of a belt across exposed flesh helped remind me that I wasn't in control. I didn't have the power then, but I do now. Someone sent me a link to something I wrote long ago. I didn't recognize the person who wrote that. She's not me anymore. 

My oldest is still sleeping. She has clothes in the garage, a shower caddy full of artificially colored and scented products that my sister bought for her. None of them made a difference. She can't have a lot of foods. That's a fact. The reality is that people give them to her anyways and she's clever about sneaking away to buy treats at the gas station. I worry that she doesn't know how to express that she has no wish to live this existence and the thrills she wants aren't representative of real life. I feel like no matter what I clean and organize, it will never be good enough. My head pounds and I'm furious with my daughter for setting her alarm for six when I could have slept in until seven. Nothing I write is helping me anymore. It's more of the same. I don't know why I bother, but even these small efforts are important or I'd just lay in bed for the entire day. It's remarkable what a human can subsist upon, taking up space without contributing positively to society. Maybe I don't want to get better, it doesn't seem as if I will, yet I know better has to be out there. I refuse to believe otherwise...

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