Body glitter will betray you. Any contact with a woman who is wearing the slightest amount of body glitter will cause copious amounts of this man-hating substance to leap onto every available inch of your skin like you’re some kind of fleshy van de Graaf generator.

If you have decided to cheat on your woman, make sure your partner in infidelity has had no physical contact with glitter for at least three days. If this is for whatever reason unavoidable, you are entering a danger zone. Your woman will be able to detect transferred glitter on your body with an acuity unparalleled in the natural world, and will be able to resolve glitter concentrations of approximately 1 particle of glitter per 10 square centimeters of skin. You must ensure that this does not happen.

Washing by itself is insufficient to avoid an undesirable confrontation regarding your activities. This has been the downfall of many an uninitiated adulterer. You must scrub every millimeter of your skin. Glitter can cunningly negate the cleansing effects of water and soap, and will adhere to you like an unusually stubborn limpet. It is usually preferable to remove at least the outer layer of skin to ensure removal of any embedded glitter shards. Peel yourself like an onion if you have to. If you have napalm, use it. Now burn your clothes.

At this point you may judge yourself free from any signs of your indiscretion and ready to face your woman. You are wrong. Some of the glitter will remain orbiting around your person for a period of not less than 36 hours. Avoid contact with your woman during this time. After this has elapsed, you may safely enter the presence of your loved one again.

If for some reason your woman can still detect the glitter upon your person, you should follow form and try the following lines:

"I was helping a child make a collage"

"I was shopping for Christmas decorations"

But these will not work. You have been too careless. Admit defeat. The game is lost.

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