'Do you think that life
is but a camera
with no film
in it?', she asks one moonlit night
... I'm not sure what to say in reply, she caught me unaware. I was making a mental note
to get the gift wrapper for her birthday
present the next day. I often do that, start making mental note
while sitting with her in my car with the moonroof
off, pretending to watch the stars
. And she often does that, catches me unaware
'...And you don't even realize it until it's too late.', she continues, 'and by the time you realize it, you've already lost all the moments you had captured. And then you start to recall all of them - and keep getting sadder with each recalled moment.'. She pauses, and the silence starts to get thick, I feel her sadness like a darkness spreading all around her.
She never shows it when she's sad. She's good at it, my Gold Fish. I try to add something but can't think of anything that'll make her feel better. I can only think of things that'll make her sad. And that's not even the last thing I want to do. Coz when she's sad, everything loses its color, the sky, the flowers, the butterflies - everything turns colorless and life starts to get viscous.
'When you were taking the pictures, you were not living the moment, you were just walking through it, you had a zillion things on your mind and you were in too much hurry to stop for a moment and look around, you were just snapping away, so when you eventually stop one lazy sunday, you'll revisit all the moments you went through and smile a while'. She pauses for a moment to move her head on my chest a little, I inhale and broaden my chest a bit so she thinks I'm more manly that I look - I don't know why I keep doing this, when I know she doesn't care.
'...but the camera had no film, ...', she starts again, 'whatever went past you just got lost in thin air, forever, all you have are blurred mental images, its like a letter you read sometime, you remember what was written in it, but you don't remember the words ... you feel so empty-handed, so robbed ...'
I'm listening to all that she is saying ... and I don't want her to stop talking, she doesn't talk her mind to me often, in fact she rarely does that. So I just want to keep lying down looking at the stars and listening to her.
Suddenly I feel her head rising from my chest, she turns her head and looks at me. Zeroed ... without an emotion on her face and asks me, 'so don't you think life's like that? A camera without a film...'.
I look in her eyes, those doe eyes I so adore ... she starts to move her hand on my chest, 'don't you agree?'. I close my eyes and faintly smile. 'Life is a dream of the dolphins..., they dream me, they dream us all up ... and some day they'll wake up, and it'll all end. Hundred years from now, no one will care...'.
I open my eyes, I see her still looking down at me. I'm not sure if I'm looking at all presentable, I'm glad there isn't much light coming in the car. She doesn't say anything and keeps her head on my chest again. "I'm glad you have a car in which we can both sit and talk whenever we want to. Where would we go otherwise", she says, "Well - we could ride VTA buses all night long I guess, they ply all night long", I say with an audible smile. I can't see her but I can picture that 'look' on her face in reply.
"It's 5 already - let's go love ...", She says. "Okay Honey, we'll go, but not yet. Just keep your head on my shoulder for another minute. I'm living this one ... like I've never lived any ...".
"You liar", she says - and starts to giggle, "you were not even listening ...."
I smile a faint smile... it's going to be a beautiful day...