Carlo Rossi is the definitive cheap wine. Some people claim Franzia, but come on. Who walks around a party with a box in their hands? Franzia is acceptable, but only if you take it out of the box. A wine bladder is always a fun time. But we're here to talk about Rossi.

Carlo Rossi is cheap, around $5-10 depending on the state you live in. It comes in blush, burgundy, cabernet sauvignon, chablis, paisano, white grenache, white zinfandel, merlot, chianti, sangria, rhine, and vin rose. There may be more, if I'm missing one, /msg me (MALTP has!). I'm convinced they taste better if you mispronounce the french (repeat: cha-bliss). Rossi is great because there's one recognizable Rossi taste, but each wine tastes subtly different. Every time I take a sip of Rossi from a glass, I know it's Rossi. One time me and some friends starting mixing Rossi, burgundy and paisano, paisano and sangria. We eventually tried mixing red and white wine. It tastes fine. It always tastes like Rossi. This being said there were small differences to the trained palate. Paisano was always my favorite, me and my friends would try to only buy paisano. Every day we would take a sip to test the vintage, to see if it was a good day for Rossi.

The beauty of Rossi is in the jug. It's a jug of wine. It has a resealable cap, but you're tempted to try and finish all the alcohol in front of you. It comes in 1.5L, 3L, and 4L. The smaller jugs were somewhat cute, but the 4L was always the one I chose.

There is a specific way to drink out of a jug of Rossi: put the jug in front of you, handle facing right. Now hook two fingers through the hole in the handle, and rotate the jug clockwise. Lift up the jug to your mouth and, if you're doing it right, the weight of all that wine should be resting on the crook of your elbow. You can drink single-handedly and look slick.

Carlo Rossi is made by the E. and J. Gallo Winery, but they make good wines too. The picture of the guy on the front (maybe Ernest, maybe Julio) is supposed to look like Dr. Evil. This tends to seem important to people after they've drunk the whole jug.

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