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Ever since the radio station was put under new management, they've been fielding lower-quality advertisement. Maybe they're in a desparate scramble for dollars. 

I turned my radio on to listen to "Detective Keel and the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come", which is my favorite Friday night program, and the first thing they played was this ad:

 

CRAZY BORIS’S SPACE TRAVEL!

We take you…TO THE MOON! Return trip guaranteed, or your money back to your next of kin! Orphans and Vagabonds preferred!

Only seventy-five cents, and an acorn! If you don’t have an acorn, you can’t come! ‘Cause we’re gonna start a MOON COLONY! And we need to plant trees. We’re gonna start a MOON FOREST! And we’re gonna turn the moonlight on earth from white to green! And red and yellow in the fall! The kids will love that one. CRAZY BORIS’ MOON TRAVEL!

And we’re gonna bring up a dozen red bricks, and a dozen schoolteachers, and a dozen schoolchildren so we can start a MOON SCHOOL! No, I’m wrong -- we’re gonna need a dozen school marms, not school teachers! We’re gonna need school marks to keep those moon kids in line, when they're bouncing all over the place!

And we’re gonna bring up A GAZEBO BAND! Not just a brass band, but a TOWN GAZEBO BAND, cause we’re gonna need them to play the wrong note every now and then to make the Moon Gods feel like they’re better than us! They’re not, but they have all the death rays.

And we’re gonna bring up some MOON BRASS, so we can make the band some MOON TRUMPETS! I only saw one once before, and all it would play was “The Blue Danube.” We’re gonna need to do better than that!

And we’re gonna bring up a pack of hogs, and a pack of dogs, and a pack of frogs, and get us some MOON FARMS going! And the dogs will be howling all the time, ‘cause the moon’s right there! They’re be howling down instead of up!

And we’re gonna bring up some MOON HORSES, with big flat feet to gallop through the loose moon soil!

And we’re gonna bring up – some MOON SHOWERS, and they’ll blast MOON DIRT at you instead of water, cause there won’t be no water up there to start with! You’ll get yourself clean like a chicken! And we’re gonna bring up some earth diseases to make the effort worth your while!

And we’re gonna bring up some historical characters!

The INDIANS! And we’re gonna give ’em all the moon land they want! Don’t you go telling me that’s mean, ‘cause we already gave the moon land on earth, didn’t we? And only a bit of it at that! At least this way they get their fair share of it!

And we’re gonna bring up JOSEF STALIN! We’re gonna dig him up, and bring him up! So he can look down upon you all, like he used to!

And we’re gonna bring up TEDDY ROOSEVELT, ‘cause he can keep Stalin in line! He doesn’t need to, of course, because the school marms can keep anyone in line, but I like Teddy Roosevelt! He can fight off the lunar beasts with his bare teeth, and his feet tied behind his back!

And we’re gonna bring up a bunch of records, and my Victrola. I’m gonna have control of the Victrola, and I’m gonna play “Moonlight sonata” all the dang time!

And we’re gonna bring up THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, brick by brick! And we’re gonna rebuild it on the moon, so it can be a beacon for all the space traffic we’re gonna get! It’s dang useless on the earth! It was gonna be a mooring station for the Hindenburg, but nooooo, they said it was “impractical” and “dangerous”! Hah! We’re gonna attract all kinds of space blimps! CRAZY BORIS’S STAR TRAVEL!

Now, you ask me, Mister Crazy Boris (‘cause that’s my name, I changed it legally), How are we gonna get to the moon! We’ll I’ll tell ya.

I’ve got my old friend JACKIE GLEASON here!

Are ya ready Jackie?

Ready, Boris.

One, two, THREE –

 

One of these days, Alice, one of these days – POW! To the moon.

CRAZY BORIS’S SPACE TRAVELLLLLLLL!

Imagine my surprise when I learned that Crazy Boris was actually the sponsor of the show. Which meant that either the show's budget was equivalent to the penny jar at the gas station, or Crazy Boris was on to something.

I wonder why he hasn't gotten in touch with Richard Branson yet. 

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