December 13, 2019

If I end up in some kind of textual slapfight, either in text messages, direct messages, or a similar medium I like to go back through and reread it the next day. Anger's a fast-burning thing, and usually if I stepped on my PUD, the next day or two is a good time to figure out if that's the case.

Unfortunately, when I went back to read the conversation that inspired this log, I discovered:

• I had been very tired, it being after midnight. And a bit confused.
• The conversation started with me talking about a mutual friend pushing my boundaries on sexual shit in a really uncomfortable way.
• In this context, everything that came after, including the feedback that I needed to be more emotionally available, came off as even MORE skeezy and poorly said than previous.

So here I sit, day two of my break from Discord. There's a lot of people not in the servers I have shared with this guy who I usually talk to there, but I'm finding myself reviewing this, and other interactions, and wondering how much I really want to be involved there. While I've made a few friends, most of them have other contact info for me. A broad swathe of the other people I've met there, I really don't want to meet.

In retrospect, I'm not sure I miss these servers. Two days in, I'm noticing I'm a lot less stressed out and unhappy. It's an appealing idea to pass on contact info and wipe the slate clean in regards to Discord. On the other hand, it might be avoidant. On the third tentacle, if I have one more conversation like the last one, I'm not sure I care.

It takes a lot for me to write off a friendship - this guy was someone I've spent a fair amount of time around in meatspace. But in retrospect, I'm even less happy than I was before I re-read our conversation.

I'll give it another few days on the break from the servers. Can't hurt.

So I went to my second counselling appointment this week. The first visit was very cathartic. It mainly involved me giving a general overview of the past few years of my life. This week, I asked some hard questions. I needed an objective, trained professional to verify some things for me. And, just as I'd suspected, my ex did certain things that were abusive. One particular behaviour falls under the definition of "sexual assault," which gives me exactly the sort of warm and fuzzy feelings you'd expect. So yeah. That was great.

I'm supposed to journal about it, but instead of doing that, I'll tell you about my fitness goals.

I'm going to run a half marathon in 2020. I've already passed the 10k mark, so I may as well keep going. I need to add cross training to my workout schedule, so today I went to a gym that had a flash sale going on. Two months basic membership for $99 plus tax. I'd looked at their regular prices earlier this year, so I knew that was a good deal. They let me choose my activation date. Sunday. I still have my strength training schedule from February, so I'll start back on that and see how far I've fallen behind. Hopefully by not too much. I've also printed out some exercises that improve balance and proprioception. I plan to do more trail running, so having strong, stable ankles is a good idea. 

Hmm what else. Despite all the shitty snow, it isn't horribly cold out yet. So I can still run outside sometimes. I've decided that I don't like the indoor track. However, it might be useful for sprint workouts. I also live at the top of a hill, so on days when the roads are clear, I can do hill training. Oh. AND!!! I now live in an area that is perfect for snowshoeing. I no longer have to find someone with a car to drive me to Quebec just to go on trails. I live right down the street from a trail. Plus, I have my own vehicle and can drive to a nearby park if I so desire. I thought that moving to my hometown would be depressing, but I feel like I'm actually closer now to the things that matter. I don't care anymore about being able to shop or go to fancy restaurants. Though I do miss having a good Indian restaurant nearby. And I'm annoyed that none of the stores here carry mirin. But that's not the end of the world.  

I keep making typoes, so that's my cue to go to sleep. Or rather, it's my cue to listen to podcasts until I fall asleep. Distractions, distractions. I'm supposed to cut back on those. I'm making the effort, but damn it's hard. 

Thanks for reading.

I'm way too pissed for <html>, so I'm writing with WYSIWYG. What the funk kind of slackness is this?

Anyway.

Auspice, I feel you deeply. We could all do with this kind of self-reflection on a semi regular basis, particularly those of us who came of age in the Old Web, where trolling was acceptable. You know what I mean. I did mention the consumption of alcohol, yes?

Today I was reading about xenofeminism. As far as I could figure - in my then sober state, but allowing for the negative effects of two weeks of bushfire smoke (don't mention the war) straight to the lungs - the premise is that technology will fix all our problems by giving rise to a new, wonderful, utopic state of genderless anonymity in which humans (or cyborgs) can connect with other humans (or cyborgs) in a state of Miltonesque innocence, freed from the burdens of societal norms and chains.

Well fuck me sideways, sounds like gen Z has invented the fucking internet!

I came of age on the Old Web, in the days when sites like E2 were cutting edge, pushing the experimental envelope. We were all anonymous, and we thought that that anonymity was going to engender a new way of interacting, where things like race, gender, sexual orientation and physical attractiveness did not matter.

We were wrong. All it did was encourage the brave to adopt the norms of toxic (whiteness/masculinity/cisness). We trolled and thought it was fun. It wasn't.

Now, we're doing it the hard way. We have to find ways to put ourselves online honestly, and instead of expecting technology to do the hard work of dismantling the problematic parts of our society, we're doing it ourselves.

There's a point to be made here, and I'm too drunk to shout it. Fill it in for your fucking selves. You're all grownups.

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did I mention the alcohol?

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Show your love by making reQuests. Off you go! I will be deeply appreciative!

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Update, March 2020: look I was really drunk and apparently some of the old turn-of-the-century troll slipped out. Sorry. The politer parts of my point still stand though.