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I was just wondering about something (I have a lot of free time in my hands so I can allow my thoughts to drift to the distant shores of stupidland often). What will happen if I do something totally stupid which does not make sense and most of all, does not fit my character ? How will anyone react ?

I've never had any money issues, I have never stole money from my parents and I never asked them for money I thought that was over what I deserved (luxuries, money that I don't need in order to survive...). But what will happen if I now take my credit card, go to my favourite record shop and blow a fat sum of money on 280 CDs ? I'm totally capable of that. Obviously, I'll overdraft my bank account, and since I don't have a job my parents will be forced to pay what I owe to the bank because they're my security.

But this doesn't, at all, goes with who I am. So how will they react ?

I'm just wondering, What will happen if I'll do it. Or anything else that the people I live around will not expect me to do (this was just an example). What if the closest person to you just did something you would've never imagined he'll do ?

What will you do if your SO told you he/she likes eating choclate-and-pickles sandwich naked while watching Bay Watch with German dubbing? What if your mom just came in and told you your grandmother has just ODed on heroin in a hotel room in Prague? What if uhhh.....just imagine something that you can't possibly imagine. And think how you would react.

You'd freak out.

This was just writing what I think for 5 minutes. Don't take me too seriously. I just wanted to provoke thoughts.

Already, I find it to be renewing.

Only a few days away is the New Year, and I find that it's going to be different this time. And no, I'm not lying. I won't be lying to myself like I have for many years before. This time around I will find a love I would have never even fathomed. I will experience the many facets of living as I drive myself through the roads. This time, I will attempt to out-drive myself.

Already, these thoughts enter my mind, those that have become unfamiliar is gaining credibility once again. This darkness that looms over me has transformed into something more understandable. I have befriended it again without harsh judgement like those who do not understand.

Baffled yet?

You probably don't understand. No matter. I will probably decipher more of this after April, for your benefit as well as my own.

I know already what matters and what does not. I need not to speak of it - the good or the bad.

We shall know in April.

Well, another Christmas come and gone. Quick outline of gains/losses:

      1. Sound Blaster Audigy Platinum (wheee!)
      2. A pain in the ass getting it to work right with my Abit board! (only getting 4 channel sound w/ 5 channel speakers, help anyone?)
      3. Binary Blanket!!! (fleese blanket coated in 1's and 0's)
      4. Hardback copy of the LOTR trilogy and The Hobbit
      5. Copy of Spaceballs on DVD
      6. Return to Castle Wolfenstein display castle from Best Buy!!
      7. Assorted candies
      8. A very nice hat that matched one my grandfather has that I've been envying for months.
      9. Copy of Clerks (the animated version)
      10. Homer Simpson slippers (it feels weird putting my feet in his mouth...).
      11. Witty t-shirts ("Got Milk! Need π!" and one that says "You are dumb" in binary - www.thinkgeek.com)
      12. Warm fuzzy feeling when my dad opened his gift from me and was speechless for five minutes (Sony DVD player / FM reciever and 5.1 home theater stereo speakers)

      1. $380 for dad's gift
      2. Partial sanity from working on my Audigy
      3. My glasses and dammit old prescriptions cause headaches, Oi!
      4. Christmassy feeling I had about every year till I was 14 at Christmas, looking to get that back.
      5. Won't get to see my SO over Christmas break.

I'd like to wish everyone @ E2 a happy holidays. If you have someone to spend New Years with, good for you. If not, join the crowd online - I'm sure I'll be here. Kristin - if you read this - Merry Christmas, I miss you, and good luck with the family (I know mine's a pain in the ass :)).

Last note - Merry Christmas to all those who participated in the E2 Secret Santa gift exchange. I hope everyone got (or gets) something nifty.
Same day - new problem: I did something stupid. Around midnight last night I changed my windows password. And this morning I have forgotten it. Does ANYONE know how to get around this in Windows XP. There are NO users on this machine but me. Please IM with help.
Like GKN, I must now sit back and assess my Christmas. These lists are perhaps odd, but I'm happy with how Christmas turned out this year.



So Christmas worked out pretty well this year. Nobody died. That's a relief. (whew!) Happy Holidays to ALL!

If I am not alone, how come there's nobody here to keep me warm at night?

I'm sitting here, in my hovel of a home, and the only thing working is the electricity, my computer (mostly) and the cable modem. Everything else is ass. I'm keeping my plywood floor warm with the balls of my feet and the cold night air is seeping in from all directions.

I have no job. I have no money. I have no woman.

I am a blues song in progress and the New Year hasn't even begun.

I'm sure Christmas was good for most people. Family. Food. Movies. Presents. Hope. Fun. This country was slapped pretty hard a while ago and I'm sure people are now, more than ever, mindful of the things and people they have to keep them going.

I can't even call my parents to see how they're doing because my phone is dead- one more bill I can't pay. One of my housemates, Invalid, has offered to take me to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow. I want to go. I have to stop by the bank, first, to see why discofever's $200 has inconveniently disappeared from my account- I can't give him back his money until I get that resolved.

I have exactly $1 in my pocket and a negative $55 bank balance.

If I celebrated Christmas, there would be a lot of friends left wanting this year.

All I can do until tomorrow is watch the digital entropy of my cable modem set in and frustrate me all the more.

I am not a ray of sunshine today. But I want to be.

I'd kill for a decent meal.

Clearly this is Christmas

Packaging strewn about, carpeting the floor like busy linoleum, presents left in piles, waiting for the morning. Food's been eaten, cards emptied, hugs given to all present, and one special gift.
My quasi-cousin (it's weird) was at my house participating in the activities until 2:30, 40 minutes later, she opened up her present, a new baby boy (who has yet to be named). It was a quite unusual experience for the large portion of us who had not seen a contraction nor really knew what it was to look in to the eyes of someone who bears such pain. I did not go to the hospital, my gran had a knee replaced 2 weeks ago and wouldn't have been able to go; but we did lose most of our party for even the very short time it took to deliver the baby. The whole thing certainly brought it all into perspective for me. There's wrapping and trees and presents and video games but on the other hand we have a new human life. It's not quite like anything I've before experienced. Thinking of everything that is before him, all the life, the pain, the love. I think he was given the biggest gift today,

a whole world to unwrap.
I think I know why we have been seeing so many fantasy movies hit the big screen recently. Perhaps they've always been there, and I had gone without noticing. That is not hard.

I saw before me a fantasy world, one so large and massive it gave the illusion of eternal space within our own planet, our own world which is simply one of many, after we'd been taught there were others. I saw green fields and rivers running through a deep crevasse, white mountains of snow and thickly wooded forest edged with marshes in the deepest of color. I saw majestic creatures, all nearing human in form. I tried to determine which scenes were taken from real places and which were created from within a human mind, which in itself derived from what it knew of nature, and the world around it, most of which most of us no longer see.

We seek these out, these worlds, I think, because our own world so often pales in comparison. We can't help it. The worlds we have created to protect ourselves are, by indication of our own imaginations, never enough. It is amusing, and sad sometimes, how we shortchange ourselves. As the view panned over these places so far above me, the only thoughts that first came to me were the once of an urban mind: how would I ever survive in such a place? Would my body know how to function when my mind was rendered unable to cope, given the instructions I've been given from birth. Everything I know is wrong.

And yet, we all still long for some fantasy, when we are not brave enough to seek it out whole. Our film tonight reminded me that I don't read nearly enough, that I have not been taken from my own world nearly enough so as to cope with it, where I have ended up.

It is easy to scoff at those who can afford guided trips through rough terrain, game hunting and adventure seeking. It is very easy for me, as well. In addition, I cannot help but envy them. To drive around any section of dilapidated urban ruin is to see the aching emptiness of modern man as a modern failure. To see all the ways modern life has failed us, robbed us of some basic needs and replaced them with others. But we cannot dwell on these things. We must push on, and still keep on reaching out for dreams. We must.

So its the day after Christmas, am I supposed to feel better, different or what? I guess I do, somewhat... I mean I don't have to teach for two weeks so that is a good thing, but I still have to work my second job which is internet helpdesk so that's nothing new. I do know that tonight will be busy as everyone tries to setup their new computer or new internet accounts or whatever and calls cause there too dumb to configure dial up networking. Oh well, something to look forward to I guess.

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