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I was in a cafe, one I've seen before in dreams, with a television on one of those hinged arms, up in the corner.

The television was playing a PAL version of chrono cross, something that does not exist, and as soon as I noticed this, I was no longer corporeal, but watching a narrative in my own dream.

Gandalf walked past, and up to the bartender, and the narrator said something along the lines of "Gandalf aquires the entire run of one hundred PAL versions of Chrono Cross, to auction off for charity."

I thought that was very nice of him, but I couldn't tell him, because I was incorporeal and had no voice.

I watched as Gandalf walked off, somehow holding 100 playstation games in his arms as well as his staff o power. Then he walked into the television scene, which was showing a beach.

That's not to say he walked into the televison, rather, he walked around it, and was somehow in it. You know how dream transitions work.

Walking beside the giant (I have just realised that it was the captain from Lilo & Stitch), on his right, they proceeded down the beach. A small flying creature that played no part in this was on the giant's left. They continued down the beach, to where the sand was white, with a thin overlay of blue water. There was no surf.

Standing but 15 metres away was something resembling the orc army in Warcraft II, looking menacing as always. Gandalf slammed his staff on the sand, and shouted "You shall not pass!". At which point they attempted to, of course.

I found myself in the body of a samurai of some description, my bamboo armour entirely red, my katana made of some brittle red stone, with a black tip. There were about 20 of us red samurai, and occasionally, they would plunge their swords into the sand, then drag them out. Dream narrative told me that this was because they were undead, and when they plunged their swords into the sand, if they had become corrupted, they would be unable to draw them out again. Worried, I stuck my sword in the sand, and pulled it out. So that was ok.

I ran along the beach with my companions, dealing death to those who opposed us. Gandalf, the spaceship captain, and most of the bigger orcs had disappeared, we were fighting small undead creatures, and out friends who had turned. They all had their swords, still, but the black tips were shattered off. I killed one, but he cut me slightly. I stabbed the ground, and as I pulled the katana out, I felt a crack vibrate through it.

Pulling out my now-jagged dagger, I went to work, hacking and slashing, but it was brittle, and broke on the bamboo armour of one of the non-turned undead samurai. I grabbed him by the throat and started to shake him to death, and he slapped me in the face.

I blinked, opened my eyes, and found myself in the middle of a party, being shaken by a friend I haven't seen in years, Andrew. He was wearing red, but not bamboo, and didn't have a katana with him. I asked him why he was shaking me, and he said I'd been running around, acting like a dick. Accepting that I was now recovered, he let me go, and I proceeded to enjoy the party.

Two girls, aged about eight years old, are performing risky dives into a shallow pool. I am sure they will get hurt.

-fade to next scene- Four middle-aged males are standing on a pier of jagged rocks, water on either side. They look haggard and beaten, their ties are loose, shirts untucked, and all but one appear tired. The zestful one says, "We have to do it. It will make everything better. We can't go on living like this." The water is extremely rough, as the waves send rocks flying through the air.

-cut to next scene- Close up of a QWERTY keyboard, and zoom out to one of the males in his office, looking unhappy.

-cut back to the rocks- "Let's just do it. Just let it go. Don't you remember what it's like to feel?" says the man. "Alright," says another. "We can't let anyone take this from us." The four leap off the rocks. One is hesitant and barely clears them. A slow-motion shot of the four in midair. Baseball-sized rocks strike two of them in the skull, but they have determined countenances. The hesitant one goes underwater and strikes his head on a rock below. The three others realize their companion has been hurt, and their celebration is cut short. Underwater shot of the man's head and purplish blood diffusing through the water.

-fade back to girls at the pool- One girl does a backflip into the pool. The other dives head-first and comes out with a huge smile on her face.

I was at a high school reunion with my girlfriend (who only reappeared at the end). They had a gigantic video screen that took up a wall, showing the school (American) football team playing.

Some of the action came to life - there were two referees, who composed two thirds of a trio of referees who, like the gorgon sisters, shared an eye, passing it between them as needed. They were trying to set up the scrimmage markers (the two poles connected by a chain or strap) but they were doing it wrong, running them across the field rather than up the field. Also, they were driving the strap into the ground with stakes, driven through gromits.

I didn't at the time notice that they were doing it in the wrong direction. I did notice that they weren't actually ON a football field, and that staking down these markers seemed counterproductive. So I asked the head referee, a quasi-senile wrinkled old man, why they used stakes.

"Stakes are good for all sorts of things." For some reason I cannot remember (if I ever knew) he at this point took a spare stake and shoved it up my anus. I retreated to the nearest bathroom to remove the uncomfortable foreign object.

I entered at the same time as one of my classmates. When I complained to him about what had happened, he said that referee has been doing this sort of thing for years, and one quickly learned to stay away from him.

I removed the foul stake, and then became concerned that I might have sustained internal injury. So I went to a hospital.

For some reason, I knew what floor I had to get to, but I had a very hard time getting the elevators to go there. Floor 5... oops! For some reason, my button pressing didn't take priority over others' calling the elevator. Up to 9 (very fast), pick up a passenger, down to 1 (faster). Finally, floor 5, got out, found the receptionist.

And e said that I have to go to another hospital. SO I went to this other hospital, where I had to go to floor 3. I got to it easily. After I had been waiting a minute, they came up to me and told me I was fine. Relieved, I went back out.

I again had no trouble with the elevators. However, as I was in the revolving door, I realized that I had left my sweater in the office. So I pushed the revolving door to go backwards, and went back in.

Elevator trouble again! This time I was stuck going up to floor 12 (again, someone called the elevator). She was a doctor, and very sympathetic - it seems that this sort of problem happened to everyone. That was why they turned up the elevator speed so high. Well, we went down to floor 1. Finally, I pressed 3 and the elevator actually let me get there.

Kind of.

The hallway had changed (and I knew it had changed), so that it looked like the hallway of a public school under siege. Lots of wire cages on doors and windows, tile walls, vaguely poorly lit. I tentatively walked to the place equivalent to where the doctors had been. I found myself in a room still in the style of the school under siege, but it was really a breakfast bar (in the middle of a hospital, and decorated in the style of an under-siege public school), owned and managed by John Travolta.

Somewhat confused, I asked a waitress where my sweater was. She referred me to John, whom I had walked past. I described my problem to him, and he very graciously searched for my sweater himself. I sat down at the bar, and a redheaded waitress handed me a menu. I noticed that she was topless. So this was John Travolta's topless breakfast bar, in the middle of a hospital, and decorated in the style of an under-siege public school.

I noticed that the special was $2 for two sausages, three french toast sticks, and two eggs... but if you had two people in your party, you got double the food and it cost $7. I looked up at the waitress and noticed that she had gigantic (1 cm diameter) freckles all over the visible portion of her body (which was extensive). I glanced around at the other waitresses. Strange as it seemed, none of them had large breasts. I shrugged, and admitted that I wasn't here to buy anything. The waitress understood from my demeanor that I wasn't there to ogle either. She lost interest.

John came back with my sweater, and I thanked him. I left without further difficulty. Out in the car was my girlfriend, and I had the idea of suggesting that we take advantage of the excellent price on breakfast some time, but then I remembered that it would cost $7 instead of $4, and that she wouldn't approve of a topless restaurant, and lastly that $3.50 per person for breakfast isn't bad, but wasn't worth the other disadvantages.

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