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How to drive on the Interstate Highway System with a gunshot wound

One of the things that happens when you are living a correct life and you get out there and start mixing it up with the kind of trash that belong in an eight by ten cell is that you get shot. As someone who has been to Cairo as I have and is talking to someone like you who has never been to Cairo and never will, I am the best person to instruct you in these matters.

The first thing you need to do after suffering a gunshot wound is to get on the Interstate Highway. This is because the police can get a look into your car on city streets and also on county roads and other numbered streets that go from here to there, but on the Interstate Highway you can move fast and even if highway patrol cars drive alongside you everything is so blurry that they don't know whether you are a man behind the wheel or a dog. And that is not a comical reference to woman drivers even though I've seen some really ugly women behind the wheel on the Interstate Highway System.

Once you are on the Interstate Highway the next thing you want to do is check your blood loss and make sure you are not bleeding out. If you have a companion you can have him tend to your gunshot wound. If you are alone, you can put your car in cruise control and steer with your knees while you remove the bullet with your teeth and then bandage up the wound lickety split. This allows you to avoid the hospitals, which are overrun with liberals who report gunshot wounds to the police even if it is a righteous shoot. You will probably still feel lightheaded, so keep the car in cruise control and go mostly straight while you recover. At this point I usually like to drink a room temperature Red Bull with vodka to take the edge off. I keep the ingredients for this edge taking off beverage in my glove box. or as they call it in Europe, the bootie.

The last time I drove on the Interstate Highway System with a gunshot wound was a couple weeks ago. I was on my way to mail my weekly letter to Sarah Palin advertising my ability and willingness to come to a holiday party at her home and place my personal items on a serving dish intended for deviled eggs and offer them to her and how after she accepted this gift I would assist in having her husband put into prison for kidnapping her and selling her to a Croatian white slavery ring. I included a poem or two this time which I am sure will expedite matters, but that story is something of a tangent and I am getting off my lock here. I am talking about gunshot wounds and not about romance, although the two are closely related.

I had just dropped my good friend Chopper off at the bar where he was going to toss back a few cold ones when I spotted a man wasting his time delivering meals to non-working people instead of getting a proper job in sales or marketing. The police weren't doing anything about it so I took it upon myself to clean up the mean streets through proper vigilante justice. I pretended to ask a question about creamed corn and then struck him in the head with a tire iron and dragged him into an alley. I lectured him about some of the things strung-out junkies do to kids and then gave him a solid kidney punch which caused him to vomit blood and lunch. My mistake at this point was stepping back to laugh and reflect on my superhero antics because it was at this point that someone dressed up like a police officer started shooting at me instead of shooting at criminals who are forcing grammar school kids to smoke amphetamines.

It was a two-way alley so I was able to slip out the other end and avoid a car that was painted to look like a police car including lights and sirens. I found my car, a Chrysler product with a Lee Iacocca air freshener and headed away from the scene. The adrenaline was flowing fast and hard so it wasn't until I was ten blocks away that I released I had suffered a gunshot wound and needed to get on the Interstate Highway System immediately. That quick thinking probably saved my life.

One of the mistakes people often make after suffering a gunshot wound is to spend a lot of time leaping about and yelling "Oh fuck oh fuck" with many exclamation points instead of immediately getting into their car and getting on the Interstate Highway. During this bunny hop period, if it is extended, you can bleed out or get captured by people dressed up like police officers and driving cars painted to look like police cars including lights and sirens. Once you realize you have been shot, bite on your tongue and avoid screaming so as not to call attention to yourself and get into your vehicle as calmly and quietly as possible. If you do this there is a good chance no one will notice that you have been shot and they will look for other people who have been shot instead of focusing their time on you and you will have at least an hour or possibly more lead time on whoever is interested in the possibility that you have suffered a gunshot wound. Good on you.

Once you have driven mostly straight with cruise control system engaged on your automobile, perhaps steering for ten or more miles with your knees while dressing wounds and drinking Red Bull with vodka you will start to think about what to do next. What you want to do is find an exit from the Interstate Highway that is in a remote location with a lot of trees, foliage and cloud cover. There you can take cover and hide out for a while, maybe in an abandoned boathouse, or if worse comes to be worse you can take hostages of one form or another, preferably non-working people with limited incomes so if they get wasted on the way it won't put too much of a dent in the economy. It is up to all of us to make America work again.

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