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I wish I knew which brilliant high school teacher came up with that idea to carry around a bag of flour for a week and pretend it's your baby. I would smack them silly.

What I'm Talking About

In high school, any student lucky enough to wind up in health class would sleep through the joke of a class until one fine day when the teacher would announce the inane task of the semester: carry around a five pound sack of flour (I've also heard of eggs being used in other regions) and take care of it as if it were your own baby. What the!?!?

Many of you must have done or known of a class that has had to do the same, but a brief summary of the rules may be in order. The basic goal was to make us to realize we were too young to have children. To accomplish this, simple rules were given: for one week, the "baby" must be with you at all times - no dropping off in the locker, no leaving behind in the car. If you went to the mall, the sack came with you. You were required to chart its meal, sleep, poop times. If you saw someone without baby at side, report them. At the end of the week, return the sack for inspection, and be graded on its hopefully intact and blemish-free body.

There are few things as stupid as the next day when morons walk through the halls with flour sacks wrapped in wool baby blankets, some talking to them, yet managing to draw no attention because every other person had been through the same thing and knew exactly what was happening.

Why It's Wrong

  • Sacks of flour do not cry at night.
  • You don't spend hard-earned money on sacks of flour.
  • Flour does not puke.
  • Flour does not take craps.
  • Flour does not get sick in daycare and infect your whole family.
  • At least when you get mad at flour, you can bake it into a dessert and eat it.
  • People carrying around their sacks.

Finally

I went to a party that week and showed up without my flour. A dear friend pointed at me and judged:

** Where the hell's your baby? **

Everyone looked. I drove home and got it. I thought it was dumb, but damn I wanted that A.

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