This happened to me this evening. It has now been a half an hour since the incident, and my balls are still hanging out in my throat tickling my vocal chords. Read ye the grim tale:

I was, at the time of the incident, teasing my roommate's girlfriend about spilling coffee down the front of her blouse. She was very upset about the whole ordeal, and I was not helping the matter. Then, as I turned around and bent over slightly to grab my hat off my bed to lie down...


She spanked me. Hard. Only the thing is, she aimed low, and the palm of her hand caught both my boys full force from behind.

Colors flew through my field of vision, and I started coughing uncontrollably as I doubled over. Guys, you know the feeling. I felt like someone had taken hold of my insides, liver and pancreas included, and stuck them in a blender, then thrown them on the ground and stomped on them in stilletto heels.

This was obviously not the response she had expected. She merely said, "uhh... Bruce? Are you okay?" I squeaked a response. My roommate knew what was up, though. He saw it happen. "No, he's not okay! You just slapped him in the nerds! Dude! He's gonna be sick for weeks!"

Ah, male empathy. Not that I could truly appreciate it at the time. As I rolled around on my bed, attempting to breathe, I noticed that one of the lights in my lamp had gone out. Odd, the things you notice while undergoing searing pain to the groinal area.

She did feel bad, despite her inability to feel sympathy. But I'll never forget this. Never.

Lesson: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE never slap a guy in the backside while he's bent over untill you make sure your aim is right on target.

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