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Fuck You General Public Disclaimer


Really. Think about it. Name one superhero that was neither Gay nor Deviant.

Except Mr. T.


Case and Point:



Batman
Deviant: In any one episode of the TV series, and, sometimes, the cartoon, Batman spends anywhere between five seconds and twenty minutes putting on a large, black, form-fitting rubber suit.
Gay : Robin. Enough said.
Gay: Batman, in all incarnations other than the original TV series, has a giant, twenty-foot-long, black phallic car.
?: The Bat Cave. Freudian Metaphor or Glorified Closet? The jury's still out on that one.
?: Has an aged man-servant who appears to be British. Cares for him deeply.

Green Lantern
Gay: Is extremely color-coordinated.
Gay: Wears spandex... all the time.
Gay: His power comes from jewelry.

Aquaman
Deviant: Can 'communicate' with fish.
?: Has gills.
Gay: Wears a tight full-body suit of sparkling scales.

Birdman
Deviant: Birdboy. Enough said.
Gay: Wears a skin-tight costume with feathers, wings, and a decidedly effeminate mask.
Deviant: Screams his own name before entering any room.

Wonder Woman
Lesbian: Comes from an island of amazons.
Deviant: Has an invisible airplane. Peek-a-Boo.
Deviant: Two Words: Golden Lasso
Deviant: Runs in High-Heels.

Penguin
Deviant: If you have to ask, you don't want to know. Well, on second thought, wouldn't you?

Superman
Gay: Spandex.
?: Fortress of Closetude?
Deviant: Super Speed = Super Friction.
?: Has not, until recently, hit on Lois Lane. Mayhap because of the above...
Gay: Jimmy, the paper boy.

The Incredible Hulk
Gay: Cut-Off jeans and green body paint. Prove me wrong.
?: Grows when excited.

Vision
Gay: Robots, by definition are all androgynous, being androgynous, they are all of one sex, now if they were to have conjugal relations, they would be having them with a creature or being of the same sex, would they not? I think that proves the point. Gay, Gay, Gay!


Should I go on?

Sorry for ruining your childhood.

I'm going to have to take exception to the proposition that all superheroes and supervillains are homosexual, as for deviancy? It depends on how you define deviant; running around in tight clothing beating up people is hardly normal unless you're a luchador, and there's something about trying to conquer or blow up the planet that just smacks of megalomania. However, I do not see suffient evidence of sexual deviancy among the super-powered. Although producing one heterosexual super-powered being without any freaky sexual practices would be enough to disprove the notion that all beings who posesses the aforemention powers are gay or deviant, I shall attempt to debunk some of the assumptions made prior to this writeup about these heroes as well as provide independent examples.

Batman-- Yes, granted his relationship with Robin is odd, at best, but I'm not even sure he should be included in a discussion on superheroes, he has no powers, he's just a rich man who runs around playing with toys and being a vigilante in his spare time.

Green Lantern -- I'm pretty sure the spandex thing is to allow free movement and not any indication of his sexual tendancies. Certainly, I'm no fan of that particular material and I'm only slightly less gay than Quentin Crisp. And although the Green Lantern does need his ring (gaudy thing that it is, it would be more at home on a pimp than a prissy fashionista), the ring must be recharged at the big cosmic lantern, lanterns are hardly anything chic, and no self-respecting homosexual would wear the image of one on his chest. As for his "color coordination", none of the Green Lantern costumes have been especially aesthetically pleasing, at worst he looks like a deranged leprechaun.

Aquaman -- I don't think Aquaman's ability to speak to fish is any indication of deviancy, but rather a dull legacy of his birth. He's from Atlantis, after all. Would you think that someone who was born in Paris who just happened to speak French was a deviant? As for his costume, he spends most of his time swimming underwater, it's sort of a wetstuit thing, isn't it? Levis and a hooded sweatshirt may be all well and good on the land, but they'd hardly be comfortable underwater.

Birdman I won't argue about this one's deviancy, but as for homosexuality? In that ridiculous outfit? The most over-the-top Drag Queen I know would shun any ensemble that garish.

Wonder Woman -- Themescira is hardly Lesbos, and while Wonder Woman is decidely butch, I think it's been fairly well established that she likes men. You might make a case for her as a dominatrix, but only if she'd ditch that awful tiara, hip boots and swimsuit outfit she's so fond of wearing.

Superman-- His mother made him that horrible costume, it's not his fault. And not only has he hit on Lois Lane, he's had romantic entanglements with Lana Lang and Wonderwoman, as well. And if he really were gay, the Fortress of Solitude would have track lighting, throw pillows, fabulous objets d'artes, and at least one persian rug.

The Incredible Hulk -- I'm afraid Dr. Bruce Banner and his various alter egos are as straight as they come. The shredded shorts are hardly sartorial splendor, and come about as a result of the Hulk just not being able to fit Bruce's pants. And the reason they were always purple is that in the old days Dr. Banner only owned one color of suit so he wouldn't have to think about what to wear, hardly an example of cutting edge fashion sense. As for growing when he gets excited, don't most men not requiring a prescription of viagra do the same? Additionally, not every incarnation of the Hulk appeared because of Bruce's problems with anger management, sure Green and Gruesome did, but the Gray Hulk (who was a pit boss in Vegas among other things), showed up at night, and another Green Hulk (with the mind of rocket scientist Bruce at the helm) was all hulk, all the time.

And now, some further examples of non-deviant, straight heroes and villains:

Professor X -- Talk about dull, I bet he's never once used his telepathic powers for voyeurism. And he's certainly straight, although I bet his pain-in-the-ass son has made him occasionally wish he had more of a thing for Cyclops.

Magneto -- despite the fact that he has a great deal of trouble getting through airport security (metal detectors and all), Magneto's never really displayed any sort of interesting kink. His two children and numerous affairs also attest to his healthy interest in the opposite sex.

Vision -- He's a robot. With the possible exception of C-3PO, there are no gay robots.

Spiderman -- While his wall-climbing abilities and collection of cameras certainly give Peter Parker the space in which to become a pervert, his first thoughts about his powers were how he could make a buck from then, not the interesting sexual positions he could get into with spider agility. And since he's never once looked twice at the handsome Flash Thompson, I'm betting he's straight.

Frankly, it appears that despite all of their fun potential, most super-powered beings have an even duller sex life than I do. Rather than deviancy, it appears that super-powers make one vanilla and bland in bed. I mean, Dr. Octopus had all those arms, and never once did he play slap and tickle with Black Cat.


In response to dko, I'll let you in on a little secret -- my entire counter-argument was tongue-in-cheek and not serious either. Somehow, I would have thought the tone made that evident.
And since when do robots have sex?

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