Ham and cheese sandwich

Three ways to order a ham and cheese sandwich in Spain:

• Translate to Spanish: "un sandwich de jamón y queso". (note that the use of the word sandwich is necessary, otherwise, you'll get a french bread sandwich, which is quite tasty, specially with pa amb tomàquet)
• If you are in Madrid: "un mixto" (short for a mixed of ham and cheese)
• If you are in Barcelona: "un bikini" (because it is usual to cut the sandwhich in two halves, and being a square of bread, if you cut it diagonally, you'll end with two triangles, and a bikini is just triangles!)

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This a misterious node: a few hours ago, I came across a node with this title. The writeup contained some ASCII art. I decided to add what you have just read above, but then when I hit the sumbit button nothing happened , except for a

Nothing Found

Hm... that's strange. There's nothing there!

I suppose the node whas killed while I was adding my writeup, but as I was a bit high at that moment, I've been saying They Might be Giants! to myself for a while, until I decided to come back and claim the node!

and the solution to the enigma, below:

The ham sandwich is a long time tradition amongst the males of our species. And possibly the ladies as well. Also referred to as a ham sammich sometimes, the ham and cheese sandwich is a delicious meal, snack, or appetizer. Because of the wide range of ham and cheese products available, the quality of your sandwich can also range. Trust me, you do not want a crappy sandwich. To make a sandwich, you need the following:

• A bread product. This can be any two slices of bread or even some crackers. Just make sure that the crackers are willing to be eaten. You'll need explicit written statements from each cracker.


• A ham or pseudo ham product. Sliced. I recommend you get high quality ham slices fresh from a butcher's shop.


• A cheese or cheese-like product. Also Sliced. I recommend swiss or cheddar cheese. Although if you prefer cheese in a can, by all means, feel free to use it.


• A sandwich spread, of some sort. The spread can be anything and everything that one can spread on a sandwich (Although I personally prefer no such thing unless I am using a croissant as my bread). Mayonnaise, butter, ranch dressing, thousand island dressing, horse radish sauce, any variety of mustards, etc. etc.

To make a basic sandwich, you assemble the bread, ham, and cheese in any order you please, as long as the ham and cheese end up inside, or "sandwiched" between, the two slices of bread. Like so:

 _______________________________________
 |____________BREAD____________________|
   |==========Ham or Cheese===========|
   |_-_-_-_-_-Cheese or Ham-_-_-_-_-_-|
 _______________________________________
 |____________BREAD____________________|

Like I said, that is a very basic sandwich. Personally, I would not eat such a sandwich if I had an option, or, at least, I would eat it out of pity. Yes, you are correct. The only sandwich for me is one that is visually appealing. It has to look good. Sometimes the visual appeal superceeds the taste-appeal. Yes, I'm one of those saps that thinks food made with tender loving care is better than food that is not. As a result I usually end up making my own sandwiches, because my mother (or girlfriend, when I have one) don't usually put their hearts into it. To make my patented BishopRed's Ham Sammich of Yumminess™ (yes, I am BishopRed also, I just forgot the password to that account; which is useless anyway; and yes, I will gladly make this sandwich for any noder that wishes to have one. Just come to the next e2 gathering I go to) you will need the following:

• 2 slices of your bread of choice; fresh. I recomend potato bread.
• 4 slices of rectangular or square shaped 'sandwich' ham.
• 8 slices of circular shaped 'deli' ham.
• 2 slices of Swiss cheese.
• 1 slice of American cheese.
• 2 slices of cheddar cheese.

All in all; this adds up to about a pound of food depending on how thick your slices of ham and cheese. 'Tis a big sammich. Because of the cost and large quantity of food required, I only get to make one of these every few months. It is also rather time consuming; not just eating but constructing this sandwich. Instructions follow:

1. First take the two slices of bread and place them flat on the table next to one another. If you wish to place a spread on your sandwich, now is the time to do so for this slice.


2. Place a slice of Swiss cheese on top of the bread slices.


3. Place the two rectangular or square ham slices on top of each slice of Swiss cheese.


4. Place the to slices of cheddar on top of the two slices of ham.


5. Now, a rather tricky part. Take the eight circular slices of ham, one at a time, and lay them flat on a clean surface. Next, taking one 'edge' of the ham, roll the ham into a cylinder so it looks like a roll of meat on a party platter of some sort. Do this with all eight slices. If you know anything about party platters, you may recall that tooth picks are used to keep the meat from unrolling. Well, since tooth picks aren't really that edible, and they'll only get in the way of the rest of the sandwich, as well as your mouth, we can't use them. So getting the rolls to stay rolled can possibly present a problem. I don't know how one would solve such a problem if there is one. I have never had it. I will assume that if your ham is moist enough in its own juices, there wont be a problem at all.


6. After you finish rolling the ham slices, take four of them and place them on top of one of the stacks you've constructed so far. If four rolls wont fit, either roll them tighter or eat the remainder. After you place whatever rolls on the stacks you can, I suggest immediately placing one of the remaining rectangular slices on top of them to prevent possible unrolling. Repeat with the remaining rolls and rectangle slice.


7. Place the single slice of American cheese on either stack. Then, take the other stack and carefully pick it up, turn it upside down, and place it on the other stack, meat to cheese.

Voila! You have my patented BishopRed's Ham Sammich of Yumminess™. Of course, if you're lazy or can't get a hold of the ingredients, you can go to any deli, Subway, or diner and order a ham sandwich. It won't be made with tender loving care, but it's a sandwich. If you're confused on how it should look; too bad. One ASCII art is enough for me in a node at this point in time.

In light of the writeup above mine, if you wish to order a ham sandwich in a country that talks funny, use the following translations. If you're American, I suggest not attempting to say these words and just writing them down. That way the funny-talking people can't laugh at your attempts to speak their language. If you have the right language even. All translations by FreeTranslation.com; translating "I'd like to order a ham sandwich."

• French - J'aimerais commander un sandwich de jambon.
• German - Ich möchte ein Schinken Sandwich anordnen.
• Norweigan - Jeg bestiller et skinkesmørbrød.
• Italian - Amerei per ordinare un sandwich di prosciutto.
• Portuguese - Gostaria de mandar um sanduiche de presunto.
• Japanese - Hamu sando kudasai.