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The BBC Have Your Say Messageboard: a tribute in light verse

Note to non-British readers: Have Your Say is a BBC-run messageboard known for ultra-right-wing views and shrieking idiocy.


It was 1927, Jerome passed into heaven, and two anarchists died controversially
Werner H was Uncertain, Mississippi was hurtin' and the BBC broadcast commercially
'Til Reith had a plan to put it in public hands
And the Beeb had its incorporation
Now publicly owned,
Its motto intoned
"Nation Shall Speak Peace Unto Nation."

On radio and TV, for a small licence fee, the Beeb's brought us much to admire
Radio 4, Planet Earth, the Flying Circus of mirth, continue to amuse and inspire
But things started to slide not long after Reith died -
As publicly owned television
Was partly dismantled,
along came more channels -
The free market demands competition.

Now Auntie's directors had to deal with objectors, and use much less cash to survive
The BBC pandered, lowered its standards, lost much of its Reithian drive
It seemed so out of touch, the licence fee was so much -
It was decadent, linked with the Left.
With the widespread adoption
Of satellite options
Spending tax on the Beeb verged on theft!

In the Internet age, on the BBC's page, you can complain at the touch of a button
Right-wing rivals resent it, offence is invented, and it only got worse after Hutton
The Establishment Reithists were somewhat elitist
But without them, the BBC strayed
To report all the facts
Would cost too much in tax
So fill the space - let the viewers Have Their Say!

But why'd anyone listen to armchair politicians whose knowledge, where present, is crude?
Whether laconic or prolix, it's absolute bollocks - ignorant, racist and rude.
They attack rising crime (it's been down for some time)
And spout nonsense about immigration
This shit makes me queasy
It's this, not being 'PC'
That's a stain on the Beeb's reputation

Worse still when they fear that their rants about 'queers' will get caught out by board moderation
They'll unfoundedly claim, in their long usernames, PC reverse discrimination
Commenting on news, unburdened by clues
Is quite manifestly absurd
The 'silent majority' stands
And it loudly demands
That its moronic voice must be heard

"Why does it matter if idiots chatter?" one might very reasonably ask,
But the government listens to tabloid positions, and deserves to be taken to task
A desire to look tough simply isn't enough
But it'll get a good word from the Sun.
Tabloid lines of attack
Are unrelated to facts
But that's how the country is run.

The BBC tries to allay fears of bias by donning a populist guise
But all its detractors will never retract all their bullshit, so why even try?
Next time you're enraged at how war has been waged
Or the latest in government fuck-ups
Let go of your mice,
Take Will Rogers' advice,
And don't miss your big chance to shut up.

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