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"How to REALLY say "I LOVE YOU" in six easy steps

1.) Test the waters. Get him/her good and drunk, and say it in the most positive way possible. If he/she doesn't say "Yes," buy him/her some more Colt .45. Be sure to merely get your would-be hoochie mama to love you, but not to do the nasty. Date rape means always having to say you're sorry.

2.) Say it in a language your lover doesn't understand. That way, everything sounds the same, from Te Amo, to ¿Donde Esta La Biblioteca?.

3.) Say it to everyone in the room. Yes, even your sigg's crazy relative, Uncle Son of Sam. Be sure not to say it in front of a Boy Scout meeting, unless you get your kicks that way, pervert.

4.) Use the crappiest Eighties song you can think of to say what you truly mean. This works with some songs better than others.

5.) Hire the Mafia, especially the gay guy from The Sopranos. He sure puts the kiss back into the kiss of death... They sure are "Goodfellas," if you know what I mean...

Wait, what was I talking about?

6.) Binary code. Put the zeroes and ones together in such a way that belongs only to you and yours. If that fails, try Esperanto, Klingon, or Eubonics.

If any or all of these things fail to get you jacked up, don't blame Keiser Nova. I'm just the messenger. The lonely, lonely, messenger.

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