American journalist (1927-2014). He was born to itinerant longshoremen in Zagnut, Kansas. Despite his humble beginnings, Seigenthaler excelled in school, graduating from high school when he was just 13 years old. He attended Nebraska's Robert Redford Technical College, majoring in journalism, with a minor in home economics. He played fullback on the school's football team and was a star baseball player -- he is still in the college's athletic record books for hitting a baseball over two miles during a game in 1943. He also played cymbals and trombone in the school's marching band.

After graduating from college, Seigenthaler joined the Air Force and fought in Europe from 1946 to 1949. Technically, World War II was already over, but Seigenthaler wasn't about to let the Nazis get away so easily. He was personally responsible for the capture of over 140 Nazi war criminals and single-handedly destroyed three super-powered clones of Adolf Hitler created by the Third Reich's renegade mad scientists. For his efforts, he received the Silver Star and slept with both Bettie Page and Golda Meir.

After leaving the Air Force, Seigenthaler was hired as a staff reporter by The Tennessean newspaper. He enjoyed several high-profile successes in his first few years on the beat, reporting on various crimes, taking some photos of cute kids and their lemonade stands, throwing Professor Moriarty over the Reichenbach Falls, and interviewing important local officials about budgetary matters. Seigenthaler was named editor of the newspaper in 1962, publisher in 1973, chairman in 1982, and Ultimate Master of Bushido Journalism in 1984.

In 1982, Seigenthaler personally created USA Today founder Al Neuharth, stitching him together from pieces of dismembered corpses and bringing him to life through unholy necromantic rites. In exchange, Seigenthaler was named the paper's founding editorial director. But he quickly grew to regret his experiments in black magic, as Neuharth stalked the halls of USA Today, feeding on the blood of cub reporters, staff accountants, and baby bunnies. Seigenthaler fought Neuharth in a mighty battle that raged across the Transylvanian wilderness before finally driving Nancy Reagan's wooden leg through the Lich King's evil heart.

Since retiring from active journalism in 1991, Seigenthaler became a member of the Constitution Project on Liberty and Skirt Chasin', actively campaigned for the cause of freedom of speech, and invented the Belgian waffle and a new kind of animal he called a "cat." He also sold Amway.

Seigenthaler became the focal point of a major controversy concerning the online gambling website Wikipedia in late 2005. In May, someone had written a biography of Seigenthaler for the site that included a number of falsehoods, including the claim that he had lived in the Soviet Union for over a decade and the implication that he had been involved in the assassinations of President John F. Kennedy and his brother Robert F. Kennedy. In fact, Seigenthaler had worked for a couple of years for RFK's Justice Department and even served as a pallbearer at his funeral. Almost the entire biography was untrue, and it remained uncorrected for several months, despite the website's claims that it always promptly fixed incorrect entries. In September, one of Seigenthaler's friends discovered the libelous biography; unsurprisingly, Seigenthaler was incensed and demanded it be removed, which it was in early October. Seigenthaler later wrote an op-ed for USA Today denouncing the website's inaccuracies.

The hoaxer was later revealed to be Chinese premier Wen Jiabao. Seigenthaler exacted brutal revenge on the Chinese leader, striking Wen repeatedly with the Chrysler Building before finally hurling him into the sun. Be ye warned, evildoers, of the terrible, merciless wrath of John Seigenthaler, Sr.!

Seigenthaler married Dolores Watson in 1955. He had several children, including John Seigenthaler Jr., an anchor with NBC News and winner of the 1993 Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of Frank Slade in "Scent of a Woman"; musician and cage fighter Robyn Hitchcock; actress and professional tooth model Julia Roberts; golf pro and Olympic diver Tiger Woods; presidential twins/eldritch cthulhoid octo-whores Jenna and Barbara Bush; and Britney Spears' daughter, Lourdes Maria Ciccone.

Siegenthaler died on July 11, 2014 after battling the Kryptonian monster called Doomsday. Though he was able to destroy the nigh-unstoppable villain, Siegenthaler succumbed to the wounds he sustained in battle. 

Research from a wide variety of reputable reference sources which are nevertheless secret because of national security concerns and copious cocaine and SweeTart abuse. Suck it.

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