Hello, I am Dr. Peter Swilling. I am possessed by the dark soul of Berhardt Goats, who died while in my care.
Friend Behr (as you call him), told me about a "special place" at a certain Walmart here in Utica (I came back - seems no one was looking for me after all). It is in the back of the top row in the magazine racks. Here there are "special publications" that have been left by unknown parties. Friend Behr believes these are real magazines, but what I suspect upon learning this from his possessed spirit (inside me now) is that these are one-time runs created by someone who is basically a mental case.
Because it is difficult to have a disagreement with a dark spirit that is possessing you and to also sleep at night, I decided to prove to him my point. I drove to the Walmart in question and went to the magazine racks. I fished around in the back until I returned with what looked like three-ringed binder paper, clumsily stapled together, with photographs and text glued to the pages. I was terrified (as you would have been).
I looked at the masthead on the cover and saw that this "publication" was called John is Wearing a Nightie Magazine. I looked at Behr's dark soul - which I was able to do by complely inverting my eyes. As The Bible says, "Doth thou not invert your eyes lest you see the dark soul within." I believe that is somewhere in the middle somewhere.
Regardless, I was horrified at the title and the fact that there were pictures and blocks of text glued to the pages within. Holy crap. As a psychiatrist, I was understandably concerned about what I had stumbled into.
Behr' dark soul became insistent. I took hold of this troubling and problematic "magazine" and went into the men's room. I could have sworn I saw an elf in the bathroom for a moment, but then he was absorbed into the mirror. I hope it was just in my imagination because I ate maybe some bad fish for lunch (although this cannot be confirmed). I know from reading through Friend Behr's writeups here that the elven dimension is part of Behr Extended Universe and not Behr canon. If I am part of both, it will mean that Behr has taken me over (conversely it could mean that I am only part of Behr Extended Universe and not Behr canon - this would mean that in the canon, Behr is still alive - or at least could be)
I won't prattle on about this and that like that. I know that the space-time continuum and its mechanics do not interest any of you. I know you are far more interested in the adventures of your sick friiend Behr and getting ass at parties than you are in learning about how Friend Behr is able to manipulate the space-time continuum to alter history (thus creating the unstable world we are in today where even reality is coming into question).
When I went into the Walmart men's room, I heard voices from two stalls call out to me.
"Who the fuck are you? You're not in the club!"
I had to explain that I was possessed by the dark spirit of Friend Behr, after which they grumbled something to the effect of "sounds plausible."
So, I sit down on the toilet and Behr's voice yells "pants around your ankles in case someone thinks you're not in there to have a bowel movement!" I am kind of taken aback by this, but then the men mumble out, "That's the way we protect our interests. One fake shit at a time. That is integrity, man possessed by dark spirit of Friend Behr."
So far this all sounded, as the men said, "plausible," but only if I am willing to accept that I have become part of the Behr Extended Universe. From what I've read, the Behr Extended Universe has some unique physics to it and things not possible here are possible there. I would also like to note that I was wrong earlier in the writeup. You can be in both Behr Canon and Behr Extended Universe. You just can't be in the extended universe without first being in canon, so you can't "just be Behr Extended Universe" as I postulated before. Ibid.
I could see we all sat in stalls with an empty one between them, falling in line with the rules of "social distancing in the Walmart bathrooms."
So, there I was, pants around my ankles, looking at pictures of a guy with a swastika tattoo on his FOREHEAD wearing different ladies' lingerie with a frown on his face. And I mean, he had a serious frown. He was not enjoying what he was doing in these pictures. I get the feeling he was being forced. And, John was a man in his sixties, beer belly, scary tattoos, a painting of a noose hanging from a tree on his living room wall, whose wife was looking on in some of the pictures, visibly shaking her head and having a look of disgust on her face. I don't know how much I want to read into those photographs, but there was something going on here.
As I do with Playboy, I had looked at the pictures first before reading the articles. Keeping with this tradition, I finished looking at the pictures and began reading the captions (the pieces of paper glued above each picture).
Every picture told a story. They told me that John had failed to pay gambling debts to a syndicate of some kind. And he had been on the run for some time. And he stole drugs from a man named Sharkey to try to pay the gambling debts, but he got caught and taken to a place where the sun doesn't shine (black room with no windows or doors).
"Wasn't that enjoyable?" Behr's dark spirit asked.
"Pretending to take a shit while looking at pictures some syndicate took of a white supremicist to humiliate him over gambling debts?"
"There were no gambling debts, fool," Behr told me. "This is liberal cancel culture at work. They are ruining that man's life over something he said. We must stop it. Who will save the sweeties?"
With that, Behr's dark spirit went silent. I pretended to wipe. pulled up my pants, and returned the magazine to the back of rack.