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So, I was sitting here in Freeport, where they have a memorial to the four European colonists who slaughtered 912 noders in 2009, reading this month's issue of Weird and Unnatural Feelings when my cell phone started ringing. Turned out it wasn't anyone important.

Since they'd interrupted me in the middle of reading an article entitled, What if I Have Weird and Unnatural Feelings About the Women I Work With and Want to Act on It, and I was now unable to finish reading because my train of thought had been broken, I put the magazine in the trash can (linked in case you don't know what a trash can is) and went down the street to buy a dill pickle and a green tea from a shop that for some reason sells both those products, as well as replacement screens for screen porches. Handy. If you aren't an idiot, maybe you should buy stock in this company, although I have no idea if it is publicly traded. You can contact your broker for more details. Insist on a serious answer from him. Don't listen to any bullshit.

They also sell condoms. Not that you have any use whatsoever for condoms. You probably don't even know what they are, putting your pee pee into hollowed out teddy bears like a weirdo. Pull yourselves together.

So, when you call your broker, tell her that you want to invest in retail companies that sell dill pickles, green tea, replacement screens for screen doors, and condoms. They sell NOTHING else.

Oh, except they do have some domestic beer in the back of the store that you can buy. In five-packs. Unique configuration (needs to be noded).

I decided that I would get my magazine out of the trash can (linked again in case you forgot by now) and finish that fascinating article, but then I noticed a magazine rack in the back of the store and they had the current issue of Weird and Unnatural Feelings, so I spent the five bucks and got a new copy and finished the article. The end result of the article basically made a point of saying that you should probably put a cork in these weird and unnatural feelings unless you discuss them with this person and they are "into it." So, take that with a grain of salt. Don't be creeping around like you do anymore.

So, when you call your broker, tell her that you want to invest in retail companies that sell dill pickles, green tea, replacement screens for screen doors, condoms, domestic beer, magazines, and NOTHING ELSE.

Just for clarification.

Do you guys like stores? You know, when you have money and shit? 

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