Lester the Unlikely

Lester the Unlikely is a video game for the SNES.

Release date: September 9, 1993
Developer: Visual Concepts
Publisher: DTMC Inc.

You play as Lester, the world's greatest geek. As described on RottenTomatoes.com,

"Lester must graduate from geek to greatness in LESTER THE UNLIKELY. He will have to face the dangers of the beach and the gloom of the underworld. And, his adventure will not be complete until he fights the dreaded pirates of the South Seas. Stunning rotoscoped graphics put you in the middle of the action. If he can survive all of the challenges and dangers, Lester might become one of the popular kids."

In short, you wander around, kicking crabs and turtles out of the way.

A brief summary of the first few levels, so you get a feel for the utter inanity of this game:

Beach 1: Lester walks along the beach, doing -- guess what? -- kicking crabs and turtles out of the way. You learn to jump in this level.

Beach 2: Lester learns to take a running jump over spikes set in the ground. Why are there spikes in the ground? Because it's the beach, and this is how things are on most beaches. At the end of the level, he is attacked by giant mutant seagulls and escapes by falling down a hole.

Cave 1/2: Lester goes through an unusually... symmetrical cave. He throws rocks at some bats, then finds a chest full of rubies. Being such a geek, Lester uses one of the rubies to create a laser and burn down a wooden door.

Totem Poles: Lester gets shot repeatedly by darts that come out of a big purple statue's eyes. As of this date the author has not yet figured out how to avoid getting shot repeatedly by darts that come out of the big purple statue's eyes.

Burial Grounds: The ground collapses under Lester to reveal flaming pits, out of which come ghostly hands that grab Lester and try to pull him in. He jumps over a series of these and talks to the Ghost of the Big Kahuna, who challenges him to pick the two skulls of his enemies and drop them into the flames.

Village: Lester somehow ends up in the village of the native people. Whenever he goes into a hut, the people throw spears at him and kill him. He eventually climbs out the window of the chief's hut and finds the chief's voluptuous daughter.

Roof Tops: Voluptuous daughter of the chief warns Lester to stick to the roofs of the village huts to avoid being caught. Unfortunately, the huts are all built with collapsing roofs. Uh-oh.

You really have to play the game to understand the rest of it, as it gets progressively stranger and stranger.

Lester proceeds to be chased by tigers, pirates, piranhas, lava, bats, and an unidentifiable pink water monster. He kills a giant ape and an even more giant spider. Then, he stops the island's chief from being blown up, and surfs home, where he is surrounded by beautiful women.

The end. But the credits end with an ominous warning that Lester will be back...