I met a woman named Phyllis today. What kind of name is that? Awful.
We need to talk about sex. Human sexuality is a topic of interest to many. Why are so few studies done? I think we could improve sex a lot if we did the research. Please write to your congresswoman and suggest they have some research done by appropriate parties. It is the least that we can do to improve our sexual nature. How many times have you thought about secretary boobies from the 1980s lately? I would guess a lot.
That is one subject. Maybe we can put another topic on the table. As you know, I am very sexy and look great in all kinds of clothes. What kind of outfit would you like to see me in? I don't wear plastic but most other things are negotiable. See if you can charm me over dinner first. I think you will find that I am beautiful and a sexual being just like you are. People rut.
Sean Connery died a while back. I remember who he was. I'm not daft.
Been catching up on my mail recently. I got a fan letter from a friend that got me all swampy down below. Good going. Keep those erections stiff and tremendous. I don't ride like your garden variety elf on a shelf. I really get into it. If you are only getting elf on a shelf style sex from your "partner," I suggest you give me a call. I operate a phone sex line.
When I want a pizza, I can call just about any guy in town and he will bring me a pizza at no charge. I am that hot. Seriously. If you doubt me, put your hands in your pants. I assure you that you are either (a) partially erect, (b) moist, (c) A non-sexual being from another planet. I know there are a few of that last kind around these parts. I am not fooled. I was here when the horrors of Everything, Kansas were revealed and we found out that all those noders who went there to start their own "country" ended up dying. Their corpses were still out in the elements ten years later. Sickmaking.
I bet you like someone who looks scintillating in a swimsuit. You can admit it. We are friends. I will betray you, but during the time before that, being friends with me will raise your social status. Now, you nerds might not realize this, but being friends with someone as hot and sexual as I am helps you in the community. People will help you out. Cops will give you a break. The mailman will go down on you when you buy enough stamps. It goes on and on. You want to have next level social status and you can only do that by using me as a booster to that status. Friendships status: ON. Don't make me turn it off. Stay on point.
I don't give people a bear hug. I know how to make it last. And we can do it naked. Sexy. Sexual beings. That we are.