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Answers to questions posed to me in a recent email. The answers were requested posted on a Sunday morning, since they all seem to relate to services at my church. Thanks for asking. You know who you are.

What would a typical service be like at your church on a Sunday morning?

First, I am not certain I would schedule services on a Sunday morning. Saturday night is usually a fine night for all kinds of partying and people don't like to get up and go somewhere on Sunday morning. However, if such services were to be held on Sunday morning, they would begin late in the morning after the people were served a nice hot breakfast, probably buffet style, with eggs, bacon, pancakes, muffins, etc. There would be beverages served, with or without alcohol depending on your tastes. Tomato juice or bloody marys, orange juice or screwdrivers and the like would be offered.

What kind of hymns would be sung?

The Doors' composition, "Waiting for the Sun" would be an excellent choice. If you play it the right way it has a good hanging out and waiting for you know who to finish praying in Gethsemane feel to it. There are probably others I can't think of right now, but that would be today's opening hymn.

What would the place where the actual service was being held look like?

Comfortable, padded seats for one. Likely sofas of some kind, possibly pull-outs that people could lie down on, with or without friends. We would promote comfort and demonstrations of love between those in attendance. There would be a nice altar with three crowns lit by candles, reflecting a person religious symbol of mine, and regulars would be encouraged to create their own symbolic representations. The chapel room would be filled with the artistic renderings of those attendees who felt they aided in their spiritual growth.

What kind of people would be invited?

Anyone and everyone, but we would key on openness and honesty rather than posing and pretending to be free from sin and mistakes. We would encourage you to freely share elements of your life while making no judgments or looking down on you. You gotta sin to get saved, baby. Come to think of it, there's another good hymn. Now we're on a roll. You would also be encouraged to dress in a way you felt best expresses who you are rather than dressing up like someone from a Men's Warehouse ad.

Would your church have activities during the week like other churches, such as pot luck suppers and Boy Scout troop sponsorships?

Sure, why not. We wouldn't frown on you bringing pot brownies either. Just let us know. Put it all on the table, baby.

You probably aren't going to answer these questions, are you?

Are you drunk? Of course not. I need to crack another beer this morning and toast the angels and devils and those who came before us.

This is the strangest life I've ever known.

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