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I feel lonely. And cold. I am your friend Behr. Please commit an unpardonable sin and then throw yourself off a bridge so you can come see me in Hades and we can hang out.

What happened is that Joan Crawford, the Fjord, and Hansel from Hansel and Gretel (children's book star) went to the aboveground world to influence politics by inspiring a new form of really, really great nationalism. I was supposed to go with them but they say I need a sponsor (like in AA - which is a false organization by two times) and no one came forward from the condemned in the aboveground world to sponsor me.

Imagine that. Why is no one from everything2 brand website not sponsoring me? Or at least coming here through the usual channel to comfort me now that I am lonely and I haven't gotten a handjob from an alley lady in weeks. I have been on a tour of Europe that would make my #2 hero Rick Steves envious. I have more money than he does. I could buy your mother, yes, you the reader. I could buy your mother and prostitute her legally in Eastern Europe because I have that kind of power and influence and money. However, I cannot enter the United States of America (preferred country of the brave and also free) because I will be arrested by the FBI which is still under the control of Obama separatists who are killing that particular country (my adopted home).

Tunnelling is not an option. I am below the ground so tunneling would just get me deeper and there is only the molten core of the very Earth you are rotating on. There is no science involved I swear to God.

When you make a milkshake, one of the things you want to do is first make a regular one for yourself. Then, invite a neighbor over for one after practically prancing around like a pony with the milkshake in front of his house making sounds like you are having a lady orgasm. He will be unable to resist (especially if you shake your booty just right). Booty is internet kiddie slang for your entry at all times welcome rectum. Please make a note of it. Entry is always welcome in your rectum so help me God.

Great. Let us continue.

What I have left to do here is to sort living heads by which ones I have gouged the eyes out of and which I haven't (yet). I love punching the eyes out very slowly in someone who is living and has no painkillers in their system so they can absolutely feel the tiny needle I poke right through the center of their eye while looking into their good eye with the absolutely creepiest expression you can imagine. Great stuff. Wholesome. Like international television hit The Waltons or laugh-a-minute super comedy Happy Days. If you never got a chance to see those classics they won't be coming around any longer. Just like The Rifleman they have been outlawed from television by people infected with the disease (non-scientific in nature becaus science has been debunked as false) of liberalism. We need those shows back on television. Not shows about dolls living in trash cans. That stuff has gone on long enough. Kids don't need to be educated for anything but survival in the work camps we will soon have if we get the kind of America I would be proud to live in.

On that Nickelodium channel (not sure how to spell it and don't care to even try - if this offends you find a hard object at least eight inches long and push it ALL THE WAY up your ass right now) they used to put slime on people. We need that but with slime that eats away at your flesh like an acid. I want them to put some kids in that kind of scenario and televise it so we can have the kind of America I would actually be proud to live in.

Well, time for the evening social. We get together with some of the other folks with rank here in Hades at this time and brainstorm (new word they taught me here) on ways to get a sponsor in the abovegroundworld so we can influence politics.

Thank you for your unwavering support and your embracing of me and my ways (all of which are legal under the first and fifth amendments to Andrew Jackson's great document the U.S. Constitution. Perfect in its original form before the stupid amendments).

My friends.

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