The Marker System is a foolproof method of avoiding Coyote Arm the morning after a hectic drinking session.

The success of The Marker System depends upon careful selection of your Marker. See notes on Marker selection at the end.

  1. Before you take your first drink, you need to select your Marker for the evening.
    This is one of the fundamentals of The Marker System. If you have already consumed some alcohol, you may unbeknownst to you, already have donned your Beer Goggles.

  2. Never try to pull your Marker.
    Another fundamental. Good Markers are a rare breed, and successfully or unsuccessfully pulling your Marker will alter your perception of your Marker. If you succeed, your Marker will become less attractive to you. If you fail, your Marker will become a vile sight. Neither is a useful result for future nights on the grog.

  3. When you meet somebody who you consider pulling (your Prey), always locate your Marker and do a quick comparison.
    You may want to establish a list of criteria before setting out for the evening, you may not. I personally don't have a list of criteria, a simple up-down of my prey and a once-over of my Marker, and I'm away.

  4. Only if your Prey is more attractive than your Marker should you attempt to pull.
    On nights when the pickings are thin, you may be harshly tempted to try to pull an equally attractive person, but this leads to similar problems regarding the usefulness of your Marker on future occasions.

That's it!

A simple system that is foolproof if correctly applied.

Marker Selection

Your marker should be:

  1. The lowest calibre person you would consider pulling.
    A factor of safety is recommended, particularly on those occasions when you didn't realise you would be going on-the-pull before you had your first drink.*

  2. Somebody you can rely on to still be around when it gets late and hazy and you are feeling pressure to resort to the if it moves system.
    This is possibly the most difficult thing to get right in Marker selection.
    We recommend a few dry runs with several Markers.
    We do not recommend the practice of using more than one Marker on pulling nights, as you are narrowing your chances of pulling and may end up in the diabolical position of a candidate being more attractive than one Marker but only equally attractive as another.

  3. Attractive-but-not-too-attractive friends make excellent markers, particularly if they're single.

*We will not be held responsible for failure of The Marker System should you fail to apply it correctly. Use of liberal factors of safety are not recommended as an alternative to selecting your Marker while sober.

With infinite thanks to my mate Vito da Silva, for introducing me to The Marker System, Coyote Arm and the subtle art of Making A Girl Break Up With You, during the early hours of a winter morning while sprawled out on his couch.

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