Buck thirty-nine drippin' cheeze in my mouth, B.
Hold the pickles n sauce, just da meat and the cheez-y
Order of fries,
Cram-em deep inside,
Send my cholesterol deep into da heez-y.

Ghetto-inspired limerick written right after McDick's announced that all double cheeseburgers were now $1.39 (in Canada). Hallelujah.

Yes, a McDonald's double cheeseburger, pinnacle of factory farming and capitalism, two "all-beef" patties of dubious quality sandwiched between grease-soaked, de-sesamed buns, garnished with three soggy pickles, some rehydrated onion bits, ketchup, mustard, and two melty drippy slices of ALL AMERICAN CHEESE* added to the goopy mix. It's like drinking an American flag pureed in a $24.99 made-in-China blender from Wal-Mart. And I'm not even American.

Yes, a McDonald's double cheeseburger, which is cheaper to buy, per burger, than if I went to the grocery store, and purchased and assembled all the components myself. I've done the math - using only the cheapest ingredients, it costs me $1.44 per double cheeseburger to make it myself. McPuke's can literally sell me a cheaper burger than homemade. Most places, it's hard to get a good meal these days for under $10. At Rotten Ronny's, I can eat to the point of vomiting for $9.56. Here is a corporation that understands value, and the harsh realities of today's underemployed families.

And God, do I love them. They, like most McShit's fare, are not food, per se, in the sense that sometimes I crave food, and sometimes I crave McDonald's. They are more like a Processed Food-Like Substance - you don't ever really get full from them, rather, you just start to feel sick, and kinda nauseous, mid-burger; but the great sense of value, chemically-enhanced for maximum desirability, forces you to finish. My personal record is five, with a large fries, in one sitting. Yes I am proud of that. However, I like to add a personal twist to my double-cheeseburger experience; I ask for them plain (just meat and cheese), then I take my fries and put them in between the patties; there is enough grease and melted cheese to mimic the oral lubrication condiments provide, and that extra salty, starchy addition of the fries gives the burger just enough resistance when you're biting down that you don't feel like you're eating adult baby food.

That said, going to McDonald's and asking for a "plain" double-cheeseburger is always an exciting adventure, in that what I order and what I actually get bears only a remote, statistically insignificant correlation. The highly creative personnel there, in the past, have given me the following interpretations of my order:

  • Double Cheeseburger, Not Plain: The obvious fuck-up.
  • Single Cheeseburger, Plain: Ironic in that this actually costs more than a double.
  • Single Hamburger, Not Plain: Now the fuck-ups get more complex. This requires both elements of my order to be misunderstood.
  • Double Cheeseburger, NO CHEESE: Yes, McDonald's cashier. When I said cheeseburger, what I really meant was no cheese. And my personal favourite...
  • Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese: WICKED! MEGA UPGRADE PLATINUM!

Nutritional Info - for the discerning, health-conscious modern consumer.
Per Double Cheeseburger:
Calories: 440
Fat: 23g (35% of daily value)
Saturated Fat: 11g (54% of daily value)
Cholesterol: 80mg (26% of daily value)
Sodium: 1150mg (48% of daily value)
Carbohydrates: 34g (11% of daily value)
Sugar: 7g
Protein: 25g
(All nutritional info from the McDonald's USA website)

I usually like to eat three at one go; that's 1320 calories, 162% of my daily recommended saturated fat intake, 78% of my daily cholesterol intake, and 144% of my daily sodium intake, for $4.17 + tax.


*Warning: May not actually contain cheese

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