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Hello! I am a successful, well-adjusted member of (insert your demographic group here). I used to be overweight, underpaid, addicted to popping painkillers and purchasing Growing Pains memorabilia on ebay. But I’ve turned it around—now I have a luxurious house in a prestigious gated community, I own three automobiles, and I indulge in all manner of delightful frippery.

And now you can too!

Out of the goodness of my heart, I want to share with you the secret of my success. Gentle friends, I want to tell you of an exciting new career opportunity for those of you who want to make a quick (insert sizeable unit of currency here) and gain valuable experience in a field that is on the up and up—that’s right, memetics!

But first, a disclaimer: This is not a pyramid scheme. I repeat, this is not a pyramid scheme. It’s more of a rhomboidal ploy, or a streamlined version of the stylish trapezoidal system that is so hot in Denmark right now.

And now you can too!

As we all know, over the last 100 years, the pendulum of the global economy has swung away from products and toward brand names. Nike isn’t concerned with selling a reliable shoe, it’s concerned with selling a logo, a brand. If you subscribe to memetics, you agree that such vendors have always truly sold memes—it’s just that their memehood was well-disguised by their compositeness and functionality, which made them almost inseparable from the products with which they were associated. No more! Now, companies unabashedly trade memes, thinly veiled by a vague association with some sort of product or service. It’s up to you to take this exciting trend to the end of its logical tether. That’s right—you can get rich in the exciting field of …

meme vending

And now you can too!

This sensational career requires virtually no special skills or abilities, although it doesn’t hurt to be ravishingly handsome like that guy Finch from American Pie. Another great thing about meme-vending is that you can do it almost anywhere! Yes, you can meme-vend from home, in the park, on ark, for a lark, near a shark, or even in the dark with a NARC named Mark! Best of all, you can learn to meme-vend in a matter of minutes. Just watch--in a few brief steps, I’ll show you how to make easy money shilling memes to your fellow humans. Let’s get started!

  • Tell someone you have a fresh, hot meme that you’re willing to let em have for a small sum. The key here is naming the right price. Don’t bid too low, or you’ll be minimizing your profits. Don’t bid too high, or you’ll scare the buyer off. Moderation is key.
  • Don’t be afraid to do the hard sell: make your customer want that meme! Describe it—tell em it’s hot, fresh, juicy, succulent, sticky. Tell them that it’s durable, and flexible, malleable and ductile. The best part is, you know what you’re saying is true! No false advertising here.
  • At this point, you’ve got the customer right where you want em—wriggling in your grasp, practically begging you to feed em this tasty meme-morsel. At this point, insist that you receive payment first. This is key, even more key than moderation.
  • Now all that remains is for you to deliver the product. With great relish, unleash from your lips the marvelous, money-making meme. This is the great secret. The meme is:

meme vending

  • For best results, try uttering the meme immediately after the money hits your palm. The expression on the customer’s face cannot be expressed in meager words. Also be ready to duck.
  • Congratulations! You are now on your way to e-z money in the fast-growing field of raw meme vending.

    And now you can too!

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