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Now, if you're anything like me, you spend copious amounts of time in your basement building primordial men out of cheese and fish parts. A primordial cheese man can be a friend, a companion, a mentor, a student, or even a lover. It is up to you. They are the first of their kind. They are designed to be exploited.

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling. One of the first things you do after you become possessed by the malignant spirit of someone like Friend Behr is you decide to create life where there was no life before. You build a primordial man out of cheese and fish parts. It is what you do. Now, once you have constructed your primordial man and seen the first signs of primordial life seeping out of his ever-loving pores, you have to consider its psychological well being.

The Naive Stage

The first stage in the development of your primordial cheese man involves feeling out the environment around it by any means available. If you made a good sniffer, it will try to smell the area. If you made a good pair of eyes, it will look hither and yon (is that the correct terminology?). I generally make my primordial cheese men with absolutely huge testicles and gigantic boobs. This is sort of a "mix-and-match" feature when creating life. How it presents itself is up to you. Basic forms of primordial life are there primarily for exploitation. Take advantage of the opportunity. Take advantage of the laws in this country. You can now fuck around with anything you want. All regulations have been removed on everything. Do as you please! Yay!

Taking a primitive form of life and treating it like your seventh grade science project is fine to do. It is perfectly fine. There should be more of it. We are the masters of this world. Primordial life needs to recognize that fact. You can't monkey around with facts. It just isn't done.

Larvae on the Moon

I don't know about you, but when your primordial man begins to take its first tentative steps forward, you want to squeal with delight. You want to, but you don't. One of the things you have to be careful of is that your primordial man does not develop in leaps and bounds. You could be on the toilet having a really nasty, messy shit that you need two rolls of toilet paper and four washclothes to straighten yourself out with afterwards, when your primordial man just strolls out the back door. And when primordial men do that, being unwise in the ways of the modern world, they are likely to be set upon by right wing militias, white supremacists, and flotillas of boats flying "Trump" flags telling you to go back to where you came from. In the case of your primordial man, it is back in the shelf at Swiss Colony.

Take time to teach your primordial man skills for navigating the white nationalism of America today. A cheese man is not a white man. A cheese man is not recognized as a man at all. In fact, they will tell you that you are imagining signs of life. This is because they do not believe. They are incapable of believing. But you believe, don't you?

Nitty Gritty

I have a friend named Clyde who owns a tractor. I was going to see him when I realized that I had six primordial cheese men in my basement and there was no way to lock the door. I could shut the door, which to that point had kept them in the basement, but the evolutionary leaps and bounds of your average primordial cheese man are unpredictable at best. I had to reconsider what I was doing with my life. I had a responsibility for these life forms which I owned and could do anything I wanted with (because they were my PROPERTY). I could not simply leave them to fend for themselves. What if the Klan came knocking and one of my primordial cheese men answered the door? They aren't very strong, being made out of cheese and fish parts. That is their skeleton. Fish parts. Not too sturdy.

Teachable Moment

You hear a lot of people talk about this. I'm not sure what it means, but I will try to apply it here.

When you have a primordial cheese man and he is evolving at an unpredictable rate, often in leaps and bounds, it is important to center him by having conversations with him. Unless you fashioned a workable mouth, the cheese man will not be able to speak to you. Hopefully you built functional ears so he can at least hear you. Otherwise, just got to hope he can read lips.

Conversations with species that are evolving are very important to keep them on track as far as their psychological development. It can be scary to be born a fully grown man made out of cheese and fish parts and be confused about what your part in life is because you have none. You weren't created by God. You were created in a lab. And now you are in America in 2020. It is bad here. Go back to where you came from, primordial cheese man. Go back. No good here. Go back. Happy cheese land. That is where you belong. With all the other creatures made out of cheese and fish parts by seriously mentally disturbed people and those who are possessed by dark spirits because they killed an extremely evil man who was kind of like Mr. Bean.

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling

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