Bovines are an interesting and tasty
species with a rather developed
oral and gesture-based
language. In having only one language, Mooish, the
bovine have managed to attain a level of perfection that has long eluded
humankind. Our most tender of
brethren communicate at a
frequency just below that of normal human hearing leading to the common belief that
cattle have nothing but '
moo' to say. The startling truth is '
moo' and the rarely heard '
meh' are merely the only two utterances within humans' inferior range of hearing.
To the average person a bovine is only a growing
steak bellowing '
moo' every several seconds and consuming huge amounts of
plant matter in order to further the process. The '
moo' often heard is actually the middle
syllable in the three syllables of the word '
huh-moo-hum' which is a friendly
greeting. Rarely the '
moo' heard might be the word '
guh-moo' meaning roughly '
please do not murder me and consume my corpse.' If you have the unfortunate luck of hearing a male bovine speak '
meh' be forewarned he might be saying '
meh- huh' or '
remove yourself from my presence' in
English. A related word and one often mistaken for '
meh-huh' is '
meh-geh' a friendly phrase meaning '
please allow me to copulate with you.'
Gestures in Mooish are of two types: tail and hoof
gesticulations. Most tail gesticulations are passive and imply either '
yup yup' or communicate the phrase '
there are a lot of flies by my anus.' In contrast, hoof gesticulations are active
modifiers of
verbal phrases. The most common hoof gesture is two or three
scratches at the ground which modifies any phrase it appears either during or just after with '
you stupid white monkey.'
History
Mooish the unified language dates back over 10,000 years but the roots stretch to almost 50,000 years before the time of
Christ. Long before humanity discovered
masturbation, the bovines had created a global
civilization built upon a foundation of
trade and
peace. At that time bovines spoke and wrote one of three languages determined by
geographic location:
Mogish for
North and
South America,
Guhese in
Asia and
pacific islands, and
Hooian in
Europe and
Africa. Once war broke out between the bovines and
ancient man, a council for the creation of a single universal tongue was commissioned. By combining
Mogish and
Hooian, the
American and Euro/African factions
alienated the Asian faction causing them to ally with the growing human civilization even though the humans' habit of consuming fallen
bovine warriors was extremely troubling to all bovine kind.
War raged for so long that nothing was left standing except for a few stone structures such as
Stonehenge and
the Great Pyramid. Billions of bovines, humans, and an occasional
antelope died during the 20,000-year war burning in every corner of the earth. After seeing the near destruction of every bovine in
South America the
bison clan formed a peaceful treaty with the remaining humans. The European
oxen tried a similar tactic but the flood of humanity could not be stopped and the survivors were hidden away in death camps. Few bovines even survived the war in Africa and the Asians who fought so bravely with the humans found a bitter end when after a few cold winters the humans started eating them too.