Driving up through the soft rain to southern Pennsylvania, sitting in the back seat with my friends. A little nervous, tingly with anticipation. I've got my sexy black panties on and my push-up black bra. I was really nervous figuring out what to wear, putting on my make up, checking my teeth, looking for imperfections in my flesh. I really want a drink right now. We make small talk as we drive through the rain and I sit in the dark, in the back, my friends' faces cast in a green glow by the dashboard lights.

I'm still nervous about expectations of me. What if I change my mind? What if I think he's weird and ugly? Deb has been with him many times and has assured me that he's very good looking, very nice and not pushy at all, and very *ahem* well hung. And if I don't want to do anything, if I change my mind, that's fine, I can just be with Tom. I am so glad she continues to reassure me about this, I start to relax a bit.

We pull into a motel in southern Pennsylvania. It's a pretty nice motel, actually. We go to the room, I'm trailing slightly behind, feeling very excited and curious about what the guy we're meeting looks like. He answers the door and we go in. Introductions are made; his name is Rudy. He is good looking, and very kind. He doesn't look me over like a piece of meat, he just treats me very normally, as though we're having a normal party. I relax even more.

We all have a couple of drinks and smoke some very decent pot. After awhile, Rudy and Deb go into one of the bedrooms. Tom comes over to my chair and we start making out. He wants to go down on me, so we move to the sofa. My clothes come off - except my panties. We lay down together and Tom caresses me and excites me and then moves down between my legs. He starts playing with me while my panties are still on. His fingers slip in and push the fabric aside - it's a rush to feel the pleasure building up in front while the panties grip me from behind. He finally moves between my legs and slips the panties off and with great reverence and feeling makes it obvious he really loves to do this.

After a bit, I start feeling a little funny. What if Deb and Rudy come back in and see us? I'm not really prepared for that. So we stop, and I put my panties back on, but leave my clothes off. We sit up and they come out. Deb is exhausted. She says she needs a break, she looks pretty sated and happy. She plops down in a chair and Rudy gets her some water. Tom and I go into the room and Tom asks me what I want to do. I say, I'm okay, let's do it. He goes out and gets Rudy, and they both come back in. I'm really excited now. I get two guys at the same time, paying attention to me!! Woo hoo!

Tom and I start kissing and making out, and Rudy starts massaging my feet. What a turn on, to feel four hands on your body, caressing, praising, giving. Rudy moves his hands up my legs, whispering how sexy I look, how beautiful I am. He is obviously quite aroused and doesn't take his eyes off me. Tom's hands and mouth are on my breasts and nipples, the direct line to my happy button. Rudy's hands travel in soft, caressing, sensous circles to my pussy and my hips. He's teasing me as he circles but never quite touches the button. I'm so close to coming I can't really stand it any more. Finally he touches me and I come immediately.

The guys are having a ball, I can tell. They don't touch each other but they watch each other and watch me. Rudy's erection is straight out, huge. I want him inside me and tell him. We start fucking and Tom is touching me all over. Tom and I kiss. I come over and over. Rudy comes out of me so we can try something else. I turn over so my back is to Rudy. Tom gets under me and starts eating me; Rudy starts fucking me again. It doesn't work for very long, just a few minutes, our bodies don't quite match, but this vision gives me erotic daydreams for months.

We try several other things that do work; I went down on Tom for a while while Rudy fucked me doggy style. And Tom went down on me again while Rudy and I played around with his cock and my breasts. I liked being in the middle of the sandwich, it was really erotic.

It happened a couple of years ago. I'm glad I was able to do it - it was a lot of fun, and I felt comfortable, desired, and sexy. I have never regretted it, and I have wondered what it would be like to experience this with some one I love deeply and some one else?

She pushes my door open, silently, as she does. She is not one to enter with fanfare or theatrics. Just some nights, some indeterminate nights she nudges the door open and I only have that brief sliver of light to warn me and then she’s there, slinking in to my bed and sliding beside me under the covers.

I don’t mind, not really. There are times when I want to tell her please, go back to your own bed, to the couch, anything, I just want to be alone, but most of the times when I’m honest I want her with me. She's like a little secret that my better half can't really puzzle out. She’s got enough sense not to try her luck when he’s home. She knows better, knows how that would ruin the secret for both of us and isn’t willing to test it. In his eyes, there is he and I and she does not fit in to his picture of bliss at all. She’s not willing to see how much he wants to stretch his boundaries, not when she's seen how much I value my relationship with him. I appreciate that in her. One thing, she’s never been reckless, even though I know she loves me.

Tonight is one of those hard nights, when I’m glad she’s willing to sidle in and lay her head across my shoulder, on my pillow. She’s close enough to breathe in and I need that right now, because he isn’t here. I wish I was strong enough to sleep alone, to tell her no, I don’t need you. I love you, you know, but I don’t need you, so just go on. But I’m not, and he’s gone, and I am so alone in this bed. I feel her gentle touch against my back and I just close my eyes and try not to cry.

It’s not a competition in my heart, not really. I think I’m big enough to love them both. Sometimes I worry. She really was here first. He just showed up on the scene and as I was pulling him toward me I felt like I had to push her away, tell her to leave me be and that was tearing me up. Finally I told him the bare minimum of what he needed to know. I cared for her, she was staying with me, and that was that. Never told him about the slinking in my door when he’s not around. Never told him how much she really means to me. Never told him that she is his stand-in and that sometimes when I'm laying in bed with him I am thinking about her, alone. He doesn’t need to know and doesn’t want to know. I don’t know and she’s probably got the right guess of what he’d think of it, but right now, I don’t care. I need to feel her warmth against my skin and know that she still loves me after all of it, even after all that I put her through.

I’m worrying again, thinking about his smile and his arms around me and the way it used to be when it was just her and I, my pretty girl and I lying on the couch watching movies, how I can see her watching us out of the corner of her eyes when he and I lie in that same position. I wonder what she thinks about when he stays the night and I can see her shadow pass outside my door but she has the courtesy not to disturb us. I always have a hard time looking at her in the mornings but she never seems too put out. She loves me. I am hoping I love her enough back, enough for her to want to stay around. Enough, but not enough to drive him away.

So I’m worrying again, and that means I’m fidgeting, and I hear her sigh. Just quiet, a little noise, a warm breath against my neck and I am ashamed. Here she is, finally asking me in her own small way to just stop and be with her and I am still preoccupied with him. She is here, all gentle warmth and understanding and compassion and absolute perfect beautiful honesty, and I am wrapped in my selfish and lonely thoughts of him. So I breathe out. I try to let him go. I love him… but I also love her and tonight she is here and he is not.

I turn around to face her, look into her beautiful chocolate eyes in the moonlight, watching me silently. Like she does. I bury my hands in her silky red hair and I breathe it all in… her smell, her love, my love, this time we have together. I don’t know how long it will last. I know it can’t be long enough. I place my forehead against hers and close my eyes, letting her hair slip over my fingers.

She licks my nose.

“Good girl.”

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