The last few days...ok, the last few weeks have been very weird.
It's to be expected, seeing as how I recently started university, and
in the UK at least this means heavy drinking, fancy dress and a
minimum of work - and, it seems, a maximum of pressure to FUCK LIKE BUNNIES.
The heavy drinking I stopped, pretty much at the same time as I saw the
pictures from the night before posted on Facebook - and, come to
think of it, much the same with the fancy dress. But then we turn to
the opposite sex, and that's where I get confused.
I fnd it
very hard to believe that I am the only person in the entire university
that wants to have a serious relationship. Sure, I'm still after sex, but
only in the context of a relationship. When I was at secondary school
there was little else on my mind, but as soon as I get involved with a
girl I start to wonder what all the fuss is about.
Last night, or
the night before last, something like that, I went out with a group of
friends. They all live on the bottom floor of the house I stay in on
campus. I'd been flirting with one of them for quite a while, and it
seemed this night things were going to come to a head. The entire group
went to see a movie, and played a little pool for a while, before two
of the girls (including the subject of my flirting) and I went to her
room to watch a DVD.
The other girl quickly got the message based
on the position of the duvet,
came up with an excuse and left. Fairly soon my arm was around this girl, and this is where I started to get
uncomfortable. Her hand moved mine to her breasts, then up her shirt, then to her
bra strap...and without a word. In my half-drunken state, I was
delighted, but at the back of my mind I still harboured a hope that
this somehow meant she wanted a relationship, which I now see was sorta
The next morning, I got a very long email from her,
detailing how she felt guilty for coming on to me, not considering my
feelings, etc. She basically made it clear that she used me for sex, which was something utterly new to me. In my
stereotypical view of the world, men can't get used for sex...can they?
conscience has been eased now that we've made up and become friends
again, agreeing to forget everything that happened, but I still feel
uneasy about pursuing any girls for the near future. Everything is so
ambiguous! All I want is to be with someone - not just for one
ultimately meaningless night, but for long enough to get to know
whether I want to spend more time with them. Is that too much to ask? (Evidently.)