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The last few days...ok, the last few weeks have been very weird. It's to be expected, seeing as how I recently started university, and in the UK at least this means heavy drinking, fancy dress and a minimum of work - and, it seems, a maximum of pressure to FUCK LIKE BUNNIES. The heavy drinking I stopped, pretty much at the same time as I saw the pictures from the night before posted on Facebook - and, come to think of it, much the same with the fancy dress. But then we turn to the opposite sex, and that's where I get confused.

I fnd it very hard to believe that I am the only person in the entire university that wants to have a serious relationship. Sure, I'm still after sex, but only in the context of a relationship. When I was at secondary school there was little else on my mind, but as soon as I get involved with a girl I start to wonder what all the fuss is about.

Last night, or the night before last, something like that, I went out with a group of friends. They all live on the bottom floor of the house I stay in on campus. I'd been flirting with one of them for quite a while, and it seemed this night things were going to come to a head. The entire group went to see a movie, and played a little pool for a while, before two of the girls (including the subject of my flirting) and I went to her room to watch a DVD.

The other girl quickly got the message based on the position of the duvet, came up with an excuse and left. Fairly soon my arm was around this girl, and this is where I started to get uncomfortable. Her hand moved mine to her breasts, then up her shirt, then to her bra strap...and without a word. In my half-drunken state, I was delighted, but at the back of my mind I still harboured a hope that this somehow meant she wanted a relationship, which I now see was sorta naive.

The next morning, I got a very long email from her, detailing how she felt guilty for coming on to me, not considering my feelings, etc. She basically made it clear that she used me for sex, which was something utterly new to me. In my stereotypical view of the world, men can't get used for sex...can they?

My conscience has been eased now that we've made up and become friends again, agreeing to forget everything that happened, but I still feel uneasy about pursuing any girls for the near future. Everything is so ambiguous! All I want is to be with someone - not just for one ultimately meaningless night, but for long enough to get to know whether I want to spend more time with them. Is that too much to ask? (Evidently.)

Driving at five a.m.
Feeling calm making my way.
Through the emptiness of the night.
Heading in the direction of the large,
beautiful river...

Meeting for breakfast,
Late like I always used to be.
On time though, in their fashion.
Time enough for steak and eggs,
and Johnny Cougar in the sheets

Walking, up then in, and laughing.
First at my hug, then at my mood,
Balanced conversation, balanced thoughts,
Precariously balanced forks until,
the fall (into relaxing enjoyment), of breakfast.

Cruising down the road at 70, breaking limits,
breaking fasts, and fast passing around slow moments.
A short ride with short stops, good music, and friends.
Toast and Cheesy hashbrowns lasting her nowhere near,
until the moment of arrival.

From here on in it could all be
Martinis, phone calls, wine and fires,
amazing food, and burned foot as a result,
of not bothering to look before we leapt?
Thankfully it was only one place that got burned.

As per always I had a great time.
As per always I loved you just a wee bit more.
But the time for talking was done and it was
time for me to make my way back home to the lakes.
As always I hated the drive home...

Thanks for being you, don't know who I used to talk to,
before I had a new friend

No disrespect to the wife of course

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