Being alone is most of all I've ever known, but somehow it was easier dealing with it when I was younger, because my parents at least were there, even if they usually didn't know me, didn't understand me and didn't seem to care much either way. But at least they were there, and the same could be said for every psycho roommate and friend I've lived with since, until I decided to live alone for the last two years. You can forget how alone you are when people are around and can't help but get underfoot. Even when I was theoretically in love I felt alone, but that was more circumstantial and mostly my own fault.

There is always that fearful exchange from being alone and staying that way to not being alone and having to depend on it, growing to need it like every other normal and vulnerable human. At least, that's how it is for me. For some, being alone is easier because it's what they've always done; it's easy, requires less effort and provides few surprises. Being alone is synonymous to being single in most married people's eyes. They envy you while also being thankful that they're not you anymore, as though by not being alone their lives attained a level of meaning that yours is lacking. Being alone can also feel pretty fruitless and barren, reminding you that humans are social creatures and derive most of their meaning from interaction with their own species. To be fulfilled while alone is only for the strongest humans, those who have usually forged a strong relationship with God or nature so much that lack of human contact falls to the periphery of importance. Few people can really pull this off, and it is likely that neither you nor I are one of them.

Being alone also allows you to believe that all the other people who are alone would be better off if they weren't alone anymore. I get like this when I meet guys that I cannot see myself falling for but wished that someone would, since they are often awesome, mind-blowing people in their own right. These people would say the same for me, perhaps, if they wanted to, and the unanswered question arises, why is it that we are all alone?

You know already what my answers or excuses are for that question. They're hidden in almost every node I write. But there are no answers that can quench it fully. It is only until we are not alone anymore that we get distance from the question that we are able to answer it, when we are able to look from outside our circumstances and see things in realistic terms. I personally believe that when you are ready to accept that you are alone and find minimal peace in it, the people show up. Needfulness can be smelled from a mile away, so you either have to cover up its odor with a distraction or rid it entirely.

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