There's been a lot of fuss lately about [my] High School's new dress code. Specifically, there has been a lot of fuss lately about [my] High School's new rule concerning the tucking in of shirts (on male students wearing shirts long enough to bother with tucking in). This rule is held up to the harsh light of ridicule when compared to other policies as can be seen by anyone sitting in the home crowd section of a Friday night football game.
       Now, besides the marching band, the meeting of friends, the concession stand, and... oh yes, the football team, there is one element of the high school football experience that, if absent, could ruin an entire evening! Yes, Virginia, I'm talking about the cheerleaders. Ah, the cheerleaders, without whom we would be forced to merely sit quietly and smile to ourselves whenever the game went in our favor. Yes, those same cheerleaders who jump, holler, throw those little yellow plastic footballs, and dazzle us with their superhuman feats of gymnastics!
       But wait. We can't have a dozen or more teenaged girls running around doing backflips in slitted miniskirts! Think of the children! Think of the naked, naked thighs! Think of the panties! How has it come to pass that in the same school in which untucked shirts are considered grounds for Saturday detentions, doe-eyed youths are allowed to display their undergarments to a crowd of hundreds!
       Perhaps, though, a little thought should be given to the nature of the panties. Possibly they are some sort of "special cheerleader panties" without any of the effects on the male portion of the crowd which usually result from the display of regular panties. Maybe the mystical powers of these special cheerleader panties have allowed them to slip unnoticed past the eyes of our administrators. Yes, yes, maybe these mystical powers have ingrained upon the entire population of [my] County the concept that exposed panties are less objectionable than untucked shirttails.
       By now you're probably thinking "Ye gods man, have you gone mad? Are you really serious about this? Exposed panties being less improper than an untucked shirt?" My answer? Here, I'll give you a little hint.

I will be sending this as a letter to my local newspaper in the next few days. More to come as this story develops...

Allow me to clarify. Those magical, mystical "special cheerleading panties" are actually called spankies. Also known as briefs or bloomers.

Spankies are worn over underwear and are designed somewhat like a swimsuit, with stronger elastic around the legs to hug the buttocks and thighs and prevent uncomfortable movement. Moreover, they are designed (no doubt by magical, mystical elves) to prevent interested audience members from sneaking a peek of the girls' more private areas.

Most cheerleading uniforms require that the spanky be the same color as the skirt, so that the flashes of "panties" that occur during certain stunts do not cause distractions. From a distance, it's difficult to tell whether you're seeing just skirt, or skirt and bloomer. Some teams will attach a small patch, such as a pawprint or school initials, to the right or left thigh of the pants for decoration.

Male cheerleaders are, of course, not required to wear spankies.

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