It was a saturday night and we were planning on doing the usual weekend thing of getting blindly drunk and hitting the local club scene. The night started well with dinner and drinks (not as high-brow as it sounds) at our place. Getting fairly loud and cheery, the four of us (myself, my girlfriend and two of our friends - not yet a couple but not too far off) called a taxi and headed off to an aqaintances house where a 21st party was in full swing. So far so good...

Once there everyone seemed to settle in fairly well, the other guests were mostly 'our' type of people (ie loud) and we even had a bit of fun. The only concerns at this point were a pair of slightly undesirable looking guys who kept hitting on the girls in our little party. One guy in particular was warned about 8 times by myself and my buddy but just couldn't resist being a smart ass. As the night wore on and he downed more booze his pick up lines degenerated into such gems as

"Can I feel you girls' tits?" and "Gimme a piece of that sweet ass" (insert slurs where appropriate)

The best part of the night came when I headed outside to relieve myself in the hosts backyard (with his permission of course) and noticed the girls upstairs doing their makeup (or some other equally feminine thing I'm sure) alone. The troublsome guy was heading upstairs with a couple of glasses in his we go again. Needless to say I zipped up quick smart and followed just in time to see this pathetic moron turn, notice me then purposely grab my girlfriend's bum and wisper some trashy shit in her ear.

Now I'm not usually a violent person, but everyone has their limit. Maybe it was the booze, the passively smoked cannibis fumes or just this scumbag's lack of respect for my loved one - I don't care. I tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned I smashed him. It was a full bodied blow to his face and he went down pretty hard. Instantly I felt better about myself (we will not be terrorised!) and this asshole ran off somewhere else.

Feeling pretty pumped I basked in the (somewhat surprised) thanks and we left - heading for clubland. We decided to walk to the nearest main road to wait for a taxi. We had made it about two blocks when I heard running footsteps on the road behind us... Turning around I was greeted by the sight of the dickhead's two friends pounding down the street after us. Not wanting to seem like an absolute sissy I elected not to run and waited to see what they had planned...Oops

As it turned out, they had a severe beating planned. One guy was about my height and build but the other was an absolute tank on legs. Between them they began the systematic process of bludgeoning me with their bare hands, the smaller guy holding me back enough to restrict my movement while the behemoth laid into me with everything he had (despite the fact that I have read the appropriate HOWTO's on E2). Being somewhat weak my friend was soon cast aside (though i still appreciate the effort) and I was worked over while my girlfriend stood screaming at my assailants and generally getting quite upset. A few minutes later it was over and I was left barely able to stand, soaking up blood from my fractured nose with a borrowed (and leter disposed of) hankercheif. Since we couldn't get a taxi with me being so drenched in blood, we hiked the 45 minutes home. It seemed more like 45 hours to me.

After several drugged up days off work I am back on my feet and able to laugh (humorlessly) about the whole thing. Although it was hardly the best weekend of my life, I know my chivalry was appreciated and I can live in the knowledge that I got to punish the real asshole (such a liberating experience). Was it a good idea in hindsight ? No. Would I do it again ?


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