For those people like me who don't necessarily follow world-class tennis outside of the inescapable two week monument to national self-pity that is Wimbledon and how Andy Murray or Greg Rusedski or Tim Henman gets booted out earlier than expected, grunting seems to be the way in which one can determine who's likely to win at a game of tennis.

Generally, the rule is this:

The player who lets off the most epic grunts is probably going to win.

Think about it. In the good old days women's tennis was less about the game than about what colour undercrackers the players were wearing, or how they spent their time lezzing out off the court. Games were generally considered a bit dull and occasionally the players might let off a coy vocalisation when they hit the ball.

Then the sisters Williams arrived, and whenever one of them hit the ball they'd give off this massive "AAAANNGGGHHH!!!!" noise as if they'd just been stung by a bullet ant. Naturally, they dominated everything.

More recently, in men's tennis, grunting used to be reserved to the larger strokes, but that all changed. Roger Federer gives a slight "nggghhh!" when he hits most balls, but in 2008 he lost Wimbledon and the World Number 1 ranking to Rafael Nadal. Why? Because Nadal grunts harder. In fact, Nadal's grunts are worth the price of admission in themselves. Huge, lengthy numbers are they, often going over multiple pitches and with quite impressive sustain... "RRRNNNNGGGGGhhhmmmmmmnnnnn!" and so forth.

Andy Murray, you are now World Number 3 and allegedly you were favourite to win the Australian Open. However, Andy, you will fail to be the first British player to win at a Grand Slam event since Fred Perry until you follow these two rules:

1. Grunt a lot when you hit the ball.

2. If anyone shouts at you, "Come on Andy," you must beat them to death.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.