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Where I come from, a Tequila Slammer is when you lick salt from your hand, slam a straight shot of tequila then suck on a lemon or lime then get mightily gee-eyed drunk.This is pretty much gospel throughout the UK and Ireland. It doesn't taste particularly nice, but it's definitely the stuff if you need a shortcut to getting drunk very quickly.

So to recap:
Step 1: Lick salt from hand.
Step 2: Knock back a shot of tequila.
Step 3: Suck hard on a slice of lemon or lime.

Fair enough? We now know what a tequila slammer is.

Enter the most lethally painful variation. A friend of mine from London suggested this to me as a dare one night, many moons ago. Maybe it was my sense of daring, my dedication to debauchery or my total disregard for common sense but I decided to give it a go. Instead of licking salt from your hand, snort a line of salt up your nostril like a line of cheap amphetamine. Slam the shot as normal. Instead of sucking the lemon to rid your mouth of the tequila taste, stick the citrus fruit into your open eye.

Your body will convulse, it's quite likely you'll vomit and you'll probably be blind in one eye for a few minutes, but who cares?!?! You're a man godammit!

So to recap again:
Step 1: Snort salt up nose.
Step 2: Knock back a shot of tequila.
Step 3: Stick slice of lemon or lime into eye.

Bam. Tequila Suicide. Why would you drink this? Why did we send men to the moon?
Also known as a "stuntman shot", "stuntman slammer", "stuntman special" or simply a "stuntman", this is one of those tricks the bartenders wish you couldn't find out about on the Internet. Why? Because when inflicted on some unsuspecting drunk, especially one who's being a jerk, it's absolutely mind-blowingly hilarious.

The Ingredients
...Of a Stuntman are simple: Tequila (or other strong booze), two lemon wedges and salt.

The Challenge
...Is issued by a bartender, usually out of frustration at a patron's ego problem and/or disruptive actions. Or sometimes just 'cuz they don't like your face, boy. You never know with bartenders.

The bartender will say to you, "Here's a bet for you: If you can do the same shot I can do, I'll ________" (fill in the blank with something reasonably enticing -- free booze, say, or maybe not siccing the bouncers on you). One guy I know would let the victim pick the liquor he wanted the shot to consist of -- most expensive thing in the house, even (it doesn't matter what booze you use) and if you succeeded, you got a really nice shot for free ... but the catch is always , once the bartender drinks, you have to drink, or (insert bad thing--often an ass-whupping-- here).

So. The booze is chosen, shots are poured -- one for the barman, one for the challengee. Salt and lemons are laid out. You think you know what's coming, but then, to your shock and awe, the bartender pours salt into their hand and snorts it, squeezes the lemon into their eye, and downs the booze!

The Climax
...You're up, big shot. What do you do?

Well, if you're 90% of bar-goers, you give it a try, since humiliation and possibly some tenderizing is your only other option. Anyway, the bartender is still standing, albeit leakily and sniffily. So you take a deep breath, and...

Then, quite predictably, you run screaming from the bar, gushing from every orifice in your face and feeling like you just tried to give very enthusiastic head to a box of razor blades. Sometimes you even wet yourself. Awwwww, yeah. Sucka!

Back in the bar, a few squeamish women have fainted and are being felt up -- I mean, helped up -- by the closest available hands. The rest of us are having grand mal seizures of hilarity. We can see that the bartender's not hurt, so we're not too worried about you. Damn, that was funny, though!

The Trick
Of course there's a trick! But it's not what you might think -- the bartender actually isn't cheating, but rather exploiting a little known feature of human biology.

Most people forget that bartenders spend many hours a week in bars, watching every possible combination of alcohol and humanity take place. This is not a wise thing to forget.

But so as not to spoil the fun for too many, I've put the spoiler part of the Stuntman down there a ways, in small print. If you value your innocence (which probably means you're not a bargoer anyway), you can just stop reading here. Goodnight!

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..The trick is...To use the same nostril and eyeball! Done this way, the pain is actually bearable. The salt-snort, while painful, numbs most of your sinus-cavity right up into your eye, plus it floods your eye with instant tears, which wash away the lemon juice quickly. But most people will instinctively choose one nostril for the salt, and the opposite eye for the lemon, which means they get the full effect of both...and yeah, you aren't riding that one out, no matter how bad you think you are. Many a small bartender has absorbed all the manliness from many a huge hairy berserker this way. And of course, it's a hell of a show!

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