Chapter One of the Winter Camp Chronicles
The radio on my desk was crackling. Someone was trying to contact me on it.
"Come in, Ravenwood. This is Council Base. Come in, Ravenwood."
As Ravenwood is my code name amongst the camp counselors, I was immediately aware that they were calling me. And so, I answered the call.
"This is Ravenwood. Go ahead, Council Base."
"We've got seven country doctors who are about to cross the perimeter. We need all units in place to repel the attack."
"Heard and acknowledged, Council Base. I'll be there in ten."
It is a good thing that I am naturally sexy. I look divinely edible even when I first wake up in the afternoon. I'm amazing.
I put on a pair of extremely short shorts and an extremely tight t-shirt with no bra and I went down to the perimeter crossing. There was only one place where one could effectively cross the perimeter without running into barbed wire or armed camp guards. That was the the infamous Moose Bridge.
"I'm here."
"Looking sexy as hell as always."
"Of course. What's our situation?"
"Seven country doctors, all with medical bags, are crossing Moose Bridge, as you can see. We're going to have to stop them from getting to our side of the bridge. We can deflect the questions of one of those fools, but not all seven at once. These people go to discount medical schools, don't get laid a lot, and generally disregard most HIPAA laws. They are incorrigible. If we can stop them at the bridge, then we can turn them around. Otherwise, I'm afraid there is likely to be gunplay. We can't let them take these kids out of here. We won't have jobs."
"Right. I'm with you there, even though I don't know what I am doing here."
"You are a camp counselor."
"I used to be a camp counselor, yes. But I'm an executive assistant for a very important businessMAN now. I don't know how I got here."
"Perhaps the gods knew of the impending attack by those country doctors and summoned some of the greatest camp counselors of all times. You are in the Camp Counselor Hall of Fame in Aardvark, New Jersey. And you have skills most of us could only dream of. You've become quite buff recently."
"I developed significant musculature, but I am still sexy as fuck."
"Even more so, if you ask me."
"That's the spirit, Counselor Oscar. That's the spirit! Get hard!"
"Okay, follow my unit to the bridge. Move quietly and keep your head down. These country doctors often sneak up on you with syringes that have chemicals in them that render you a neutral force in battle."
"Can't have that, now can we?"
"Scopes up, fellas!" Counselor Oscar told his unit. "Scopes up and move out!"
We moved with great stealth through the underbrush towards the Moose Bridge. The country doctors were about halfway across. The bridge is seventeen feet long. It takes a while to get across. We had time.
"Some of them have enough meat on them that we could use them to feed the kids for a week," whispered Counselor Bobby.
"Shh. Stay quiet."
"He's got a point, though, Oscar."
"Yes, but now is not the time. When we paint that bridge in their blood, then it will be time, but we have to protect our jobs. Understood? Now shut the fuck up and advance."
Back when I was reading Douglas Clifford's semen null book, The Guest House, which is a collection of supernatural sex fables, I had a lot of time to think.
"Okay, we're at the bridge," whispered Counselor Oscar. "Hold for my orders, but keep those scopes down and locked on target. Kim, you take out the fat one. John, you've got the one who looks like he works out. Tiki, you've got the old chick. Sexy, you've got the young one who looks like she might still be a medical student..."
We had our orders, but we were holding for now. The leader of the country doctor army called out to us for a parley.
"We are only here to help! Don't shoot us!"
"If you were capable of helping ANYONE at all, you'd be working in a fancy, big city hospital. They only put the flunkies out here in the woods."
"Not true. We choose this career path."
"Why? Those big city doctors fuck each other all the time. Seen it on TV."
"True that, but sex isn't everything. Something, helping people is more--"
Tiki had accidently fired his weapon. The bullet hit the leader of the country doctors between the eyes. She was killed instantly. Negotiations collapsed. Bullets began flying.
"Watch your asses," Oscar yelled to us. "Country doctors aren't rational!"
I knew to keep my head down and my weapon up. The country doctors had their syringes out. They were advancing by crawling through the scrub of the Maine wilderness. They were going to try to put chemicals in our bodies. If that happened, we'd be victims of youth in Asia. We couldn't let that happen. I started firing into the tall grass, hoping I'd nail one of the bastards. I was not disappointed. I took out the fat one.
Then I saw it. Two of the country doctors had pinned Counselor Oscar to the ground while a third was trying to administer a shot into his thigh. I raised my weapon and fired. The top half of her head came flying off. She was a goner. The other two scampered away into the forest.
"Shit, these bastards just don't quit," Counselor Terrance whispered as he came up alongside me. "Now we have to go into the bush and flush them out. Do you have any of that bait that smells like potential investment properties?"
"Yeah, but it is back at my cabin. We haven't used that since those people tried to build a forty-room mansion on that hillside over there."
"I remember those assholes. We got them good, didn't we?"
"Every day I thank God that I could get this weapon, even with my criminal record," I laughed. "Imagine me trying to kill country doctors with a butter knife."
"I know, right," laughed Terrance. "Did you check on Counselor Oscar?"
"He's down. The shot knocked him out. I'll have one of the trained deer drag him back to camp."
"Good. We can have the camp medic look him over. Hopefully, they didn't youthing size him."
"Yeah, but if they did, what can we do?"
"I am second in command."
"There are three country doctors still out there," Counselor Kim told us. "We need to get after them."
"Okay, everbody fan out. We need to flush them out of the bush."
We moved through the bush wooping and hollering out, "Need oxygen over here, stat!" and "Here, docky docky!" and things of that nature. One popped up his head and caught Kim's bullet in the neck. That left two remaining.
"Anyone see any sign of them?" Terrence asked after we searched and hollered for over an hour.
"Nah," Tiki moaned, "I think two of them got away on us."
"Okay, back to camp. Set up a defensive perimeter, and keep a guard on the Moose Bridge at all times. This could be a long night."