The Contest

A Seinfeld episode where Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer bet each other to see who can abstain from masturbation the longest. The actual phrase masturbation is not mentioned anywhere in the episode. The ending alludes that George won the contest, and he later mentions this in another episode, but in the final Seinfeld episode, he admits he lied.

Wow, we had a contest at a summer theater camp once. The bet was to abstain from the act of self inflicted orgasm for the month. We were there for a while, and when it was all over, no one payed up at all. Nobody admitted to losing, and nobody tryed to claim the money. It's kinda humorous, because everybody just knew, in a subconscious sense somewhere, that nobody could possibly have made it through that month without releasing stress somehow. None of us wanted to embarass each other at the time, I guess, so we all just went our seperate ways.

But the next month, when we had first reunion, everyone told their tales of how they succumbed to the urge within the first week, or the first two weeks. I actually made it three. I dunno, but being displaced into a new home made it kind of weird to do in the first place. So I didn't even think about it. Then I woke up one morning and something in the back of my head was like, "Hey! You know what you should do today?" I didn't even think about the bet. Because I already knew that we'd all lost.

Almost any discussion about Seinfeld inevitably leads to a discussion of the contest. During one such discussion, myself and the equally oversexed Kimonade made our own version of this bet. After all, it couldn't be that hard, could it? Whoever went the longest without masturbating would be treated to dinner at a local pizzaria.

So a week and a half passed by. And I'm tripping at the lake. The bet is so far, so good, I'm still Queen of the Castle, but if this goes on any longer, my sanity is going to be seriously up for grabs. Why? Not only am I incredibly horny, but I'm starting to have very vivid sex dreams. Yeah, yeah, what's the big deal, you ask? My sex dreams are disturbing as hell. For example, in one, I was having sex with Michael Jordan, and as the act of fornication went on, I got smaller and smaller. In another I was having sex with my best guy friend, and he ejaculated prematurely. I laughed at him.

So we must stop the insanity. Like I said, I was tripping at the lake. Kimonade was there, as was the previously mentioned guy friend who lacked staying power. We agreed to a compromise...we'd both lose the bet, and treat each other to dinner. And we wouldn't tell our friends.

For months, this charade went on. "Are you still Master of your Domain?" "Hell yes!" I think they all believed us. Months later, one of Kimonade's high school friends spilled the beans to the rest of our happy little group, and we had to fess up. It was good while it lasted.

The moral of the story is that you should never give up masturbation. It is one thing that is pure and holy. The animals do it, it's just natural. Messing with mother nature is never pretty. And the suppression of masturbation is messing with mother nature. What can be better than a self-inflicted orgasm? I'm probably the best lover I'll ever have!