How could they not be? How could one group of people travelling through the country, delivering other people's information not have insane amounts of power that no human being has ever thought possible? And, oh yeah, by the way, if anyone else can insanely link the USPS (which is actually staffed by some pretty nice people, especially around here) to other insane, random stuff, please, do so. And just to cover myself on each side: this... is... a... JOKE. That, and, I like my mail carrier. Always have. Thanks for reading.

THEORY ONE: The U.S. Post Office is actually a front for some hideously evil organization (like K.A.O.S. in Get Smart or something) with aspirations of, what else, world domination. If it's not, how can you explain the fact that only 2 (count them, 2) competitors have ever survived for any measurable length of time: UPS and FedEx. Maybe they're the real good guys in this great, unseen battle for truth, justice, and reasonable delivery times!

THEORY TWO: I'm not too sure right now, but it's got to have something to do with A.F.W.O. I'm also pretty sure that W.A.S.T.E. is involved in some way, like, perhaps, SPIFC. And, of course, there's FEMA (the Secret Government)...

THEORY THREE: Perhaps all those Post Office employees who myseriously "flipped out" were actually victims of mind conditioning that didn't take to it. Perhaps that was the only way to rid the conspirators of the problem. Maybe they were in training to become some sort of assassins (see Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory), and some minds were just too strong. So, the government arms them with shotguns and lets them loose. Who knows?

THEORY FOUR: Perhaps they're the reason why the French don't like baseball, why the Japanese don't release all the good roleplaying games over here, and why Postum isn't a more popular drink!! They're trying to hoard the great, All-American (and Canadian, to a certain extent) game of baseball and keep it to themselves, instead of sharing it with the entire world... so they told France that's it really a front for a plot to destroy all the snails and frogs on the planet (what else are the bats used for, besides hitting balls around). They also want to keep Americans stupid, for a stupid group of followers is a controllable group of followers, so they have removed all incredibly taxing mental stimulation that a video game console can provide (perhaps by... nah). Finally... I'm not sure how Postum figures into all this, but I'm working on it.

Is it just me, or is this getting just a little insane?

THEORY FIVE: Has anybody actually seen the inside of one of these trucks? Perhaps there's... more than meets the eye. Does anybody remember "Flowers By Irene (FBI)" from the Simpsons? Maybe it's something like that... Keeping all possible uprisings in check through constant surveillance... *cough* thoughtpolice *hack* Sorry about that... stuff gets caught in your throat so easily.

THEORY SIX: What about those mailbags? What are they made out of? Where do they go to be "filled" with all this "mail"? These questions, and so many others, remain unanswered by the USPS. Ever wonder why they are unanswered? I know I do...

THEORY SEVEN: You know all those USPS Airplanes? Why do they get their own personal planes, anyway? According to the West Wing Season One, trucks are still this country's prime way of moving things around. There's no way that many people are using free mail delivery (after a fashion) over FedEx and UPS. There's got to be something else involved... maybe illegal animal importation? Perhaps they're smuggling in nuclear weapons to be detonated along the San Andreas Fault, thus plunging California into the sea... Who knows? It's the Post Office!

THEORY EIGHT: Okay, call me insensitive if you want, but maybe those terrorists have caught on to what the Post Office is doing. Perhaps they are the undercover wing of some kind of National (or Homeland) Security force. They've got all these people walking around in uniform, driving trucks, visiting EVERYONE's homes... It's the perfect way to keep tabs on Americans. Perhaps some unlucky fellow (or lady) got a bit too close to something they weren't supposed to know about, and all this bioterror stuff is being used to take out everyone connected with the Post Office. Why put it in mail to be delivered? They're terrorists. They're stupid.

THEORY NINE: Ever notice how a good 1/2 of your mail turns out to be bills, about a good 1/3 of that is ads, and only the last little bit is things you actually want to read? Well, perhaps the organization hit the point where they got sick of being glorified agents of the multi-national credit card conglomerates and local groundskeeping businesses. Ever think of that? Ever consider sending a person a letter in the mail, that they can lovingly open and cherish for... a long freaking time? Think about it.

"All right... all right... you go ahead, you keep it secret! But remember this.. when you control the mail... you control... INFORMATION." -Newman (from Seinfeld, that is)

I think that the post office should put the most famous conspiracy theories on stamps. America has to be the most creative civilization in history. This, combined with a climate of suspicion created by science fiction, has created the perfect breeding ground for conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theorists have taken the ghost stories of past centuries and turned them into fantastic and imaginative tales of black helicopters, extraterrestrials, and other shadowy government secrets, turning science fiction into a democratic collaboration. Their creative achievements and contributions to the American psyche should be celebrated.

Besides, can you imagine the irony of a "Area 51" stamp with flying saucers and little green men issued by the United States Government?!?

Rather than ignore these speculations, the government should be embracing them as examples of American inventiveness!

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