Theophistus was a minor
warlord in
Mesopotamia's Kaptarian mountains, believed to have lived in the Seventh Century BC. Save for the rallying of a successful defense against an
Akkadian advance force, he had no significant military victories. Instead, Theophistus is best remembered for an
anecdote wherein his chief
aide-de-camp, seeking him out in the
stables to deliver a message, surprised the warlord in the act of
lustily having
sex with a
mare. According to the tale, the messenger stuttered out, "
are you not ashamed?" to which Theophistus laughed and replied, "why? she's a
magnificent beast!!"
Some accounts indicate that Theophistus heartily
smacked the mare on her
hindquarters while making this
declaration, but that is probably a later
embellishment. It is unknown when or how Theophistus died, but, this is definitely how
rumors get started.