This is what they've been telling you all these years. You believed this for a while yourself, loathing everything about you like you were told to. Then you rebelled, I am a real person! I am whole!
How wrong you were. You build defenses
that seem impenetrable which works for a while, until you let someone in. You open yourself to people and they betray
you, you open yourself to whatever love
is out there for you which you will always find wanting, so you fly into the arms of your first love
, created by yourself, it always finds you wanting but you want more and more.
So you have a few drinks and your little house of cards comes crashing down. Silly girl, you can lose as much weight as you want, you can try to be as perfect as possible, you can do every little thing your heart desires to stop the pain but none of it matters because no matter what you do, you can't escape the fact that there is nothing inside of you and there never will be. If you ever thought differently, you were delusional.
So why are you still alive? Your death would hurt people who shouldn't be hurt, that's why. You're keeping up appearances. A shell of a human being in stasis here. Fuck nobility, you're still here because in a moment of sanity you threw out your razor blades, thinking so confidently, I don't need these anymore.
How wrong you were.