I think I have made someone unhappy today.

I am experiencing a deep seated sense of self-loathing, so much so that I am feeling physically sick. It's a sense of stupidity and dirtyness that is eating away at both my skin and face like I've been sprayed with some kind of nasty bastard acid.

I put an advert on a web based dating site: 2 girls responded.

The first I hit "not interested" by mistake. The feeling of worthlessness just deepened a little - what kind of stupid fuck hits the wrong link when it's that important?

This first girl seemed really quite nice - close to me in age and outlook. It's too easy to be maudlin and dwell on what might have been.

But the first girl is not why I hate myself today.

The second girl replied. I replied back. (both via the website) We exchanged email addresses. I wrote to her, she wrote to me.

And then, like the worthless, stupid dick that I am...

I didn't reply.

For a fortnight.

I then (just now) wrote a simpering, vomit inducing apology to her. Like some stupid text message is going to help? Make it all better?

Nope. Sorry matey, as of now, you are officially a stupid bastard who is not good enough to talk to this girl, let alone apologise to her.

Of course, there will be some people who read this and wonder at the sickening self pity that exudes from every character. Well, fuck off, I suppose. Who cares? Who gives a shit if I want to wallow in a tar pit of my own making?

As you can tell, I'm depressed and angry at myself.

Why exactly did I let things pan out this way? It's laziness, pure and simple pro-fucking-crastinating laziness. I couldn't even put that in the letter to her. "Oops, sorry for not writing back, but I'm a lazy stupid git"

Yeah, like that would go down well.

Oh, hell. Even this node was supposed to be some eloquent prose, deeply describing the motives behind breaking off some amazing relationship that simply wasn't to be.

Well, at least I was honest

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