Today my girlfriend is going to Holland for 11 months.
Technically, today she will be going to Chicago and New York. We had this idea that she could save money if we road-tripped it to New York... but her mom shot down that idea, and ever since she's only been able to repeat exactly what mom said about it.

"Too many things could go wrong."

The road trip wasn't even originally my idea... it would just be nice to have something like that before she goes away for so long.

More later...

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow

Everything Snapshot

Time: Tue, 22 Aug 2000 00:28:05 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 663204 (1795 new since August 21, 2000)
Number of users: 18224 (54 new since August 21, 2000)
Number of links: 3136933 (22824 new since August 21, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.392 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.730 links per node
Link to user ratio: 172.132 links per user

New Nodes: [nymphomation] [Her name was Natalie] [Dick Gregory] [August 22, 2000] [Lose the roommate] [E2 could be an excellent educational tool] [Yiffy] [Physics Chic] [Two Depressing Nodes] [Ultima] [subways of the world] [Handbrake] [Quake 3 Arena Characters: Hunter] [August 21, 2000] [Edit These E2 Titles]

Users Online (56): [Pseudo_Intellectual] [sensei] [dannye] [Lometa] [N-Wing] [hamster bong] [prole] [themusic] [kenata] [ophie] [Electricsound] [Wintersweet] [dann] [arrowfall] [mcSey] [ivan37] [Ereneta] [baffo] [Enzondio] [stand/alone/bitch] [Gorgonzola] [chaosmind] [BelDion] [Twiin] [sparky] [Luquid] [Kung] [FordPrefect] [jes04] [Jim71] [Torque] [sockpuppet] [dharmaraja] [Crux] [blukens] [morgandorf] [cethiesus] [continuity] [PhysicsChic] [Karla] [liha] [elfmagi] [Mer] [lemuru] [core10k] [Veovis] [ursus] [Mindful Box] [ebbixx] [sphere777] [TinCanFury] [Kingfox] [MrTigger] [rfs] [yellowcheese]

JeffMagnus node count: 4035 (1 new since August 21, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9483 (11 more since August 21, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.350 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.609%
JeffMagnus node of the day: The 106th Congress

I had to mow the back lawn. Grrr.

Girlfriend went to school today to get us lockers, apparently most of the school was already full. Creepy.

Met her and went to the village. My shirts from still aren't in. Hung out at Nick's playing cards most of the afternoon. Went to the grille for food, then back to nicks, went and got our bikes and headed to burt and rocky's cream shoppe. (Ice cream place, goooood shakes) Then we headed to the concert in the park. Not a very good band, but fun none the less. One of her friends came and joined us. He couldn't deal blackjack if his life depended on it. Some kid spitup right at the corner of our blanket.

Now me go call her to organize tomorrow. We're going to Six flags magic mountain in LA. All hail free AOL Magic mountain tickets.

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

8:25 BST

I failed last night

Yesterday I officially failed in my bid to beat my painkiller addiction. The reason why is documented in I hate myself right now.

After taking out some aggression on an innocent #everything girl and misunderstanding everything written to me, I decided in my depression to blitz.

I went to the local supermarket and bought a large amount of chocolate, paracetemol and ibuprofen. I then dug out the dihydrocodiene and took a handful of pills, washing them down with effervescent co-codamol and Dr Pepper. I puked after maybe an hour, but I'd already absorbed enough drugs to get me through the night in a haze.

So I wake up this morning feeling awful - dry eyes, sore throat, painful stomach and numb all over. This is par for the course though - I knew what I was getting into.

Strangely, I feel better mentally after the blitz.

12:40 BST

I'm listening to 4 CDs worth of Sasha and John Digweed this morning, and recovering slowly and quietly. Working in drugged numbness has not turned out very well; I have been staring at the disaster recovery plans without any success. I've had to retreat to the easy reading of a LaTeX tutorial.

Mental Note: buy some Japanese green tea and some special cups.

Second Mental Note: I had Yaki Soba on Saturday. (thanks iain)

16:00 BST

What's the dirtiest key on your keyboard?

Mine is the backspace key, which prolly says a lot about me...

What's going on with this daylog? I'd estimate that it has had about 20 votes - yet it has ended up with a postive total of about 6. I didn't quite realise that people would dislike it quite that much...

prolly more later

oh my, nymphomation as a softlink just totally derailed my communication channels, frazzing the medium with white noise of primal lusting mice scurrying around pulling levers and pushing frankenstein libido controls through telepresence.

Ok, where was I. Oh.. Today.. (aside: This isn't an XP whore mission.. since i only have write-ups left and all the XP a mere mortal noder could use (XP being the greater gain over a single node)(disclaimer over)).. uh today.. was an interesting yet short day that felt like all of reality shifted a random number of lateral feet in any direction. This is most likely due to the fact i went to sleep last night at 6am. I woke up at 2pm (and don't get jealous that i have free 'unemployed time'(see In Praise of Idleness)) and did what i usually do. I also had an excess of caffiend carbonation

I walked over to the washroom and relieved myself, brushed away the kitsch build-up of fine interior decorated plaque settlement and pet the goldfish. Odd how goldfish don't care how messy a bathroom gets, and they don't drink out of the toilet. (Is any of this exciting you, i mean, you know.. you the reader.. is this interesting yet?) Anyway, most of the activity was happening in my head when otherwise it would have been a dreary weekday Monday.

Thoughts of my temporary freedom from the rat-race, (a race of rats, how many variations can you think of? Do they all live together in harmony?), have really convinced me that working for myself is truly the only way to go. As far as intelligent people go, it seems working hard to succeed and do well for yourself works against the accepted notion of accepting a station in life (& I'm not just referring to commercial radio-jock shepherds on the linear dial). Someone said the most glory comes from the greatest risk, and standing out by being successful on your own is nothing to be ashamed of.

The funny thing is that even politicians have to rely on other people, but to make the initial choice to be in the main focus, or to accept responsability, will make other people upset, when in fact they didn't have the energy or inspiration to walk over and make something happen themselves. Work has its value, hard work, and for some time, as a youth.. working for other people/corporate cultures and those who let themselves be slaved and pimped by society. Those who step up and out can lead the rest of us into the unknown future of what can be, with the understanding of a common respect. It would be better if we all lead, working for common goals, yet remaining individuals. A fact that cannot be denied, since everyone will have a different background and set of values on which to base their rationality.

I have a feeling that most of us that contribute to everything2 are leaders philosophically just by the fact that by defining our understandings for verification on our reality, we are interested enough to pay attention to what is happening around us. In this age where most of us should have the opportunity to have stress free existance, most people just keep jumping at the rungs of society hoping to get caried away by simply accepting a reality that is shifting and phasing, without their even realizing it. It is this changing climate that defines today, and the year 2000.

Reality, time-line August 22nd 2000, has as many dimensions as the # of people by the # of interactions with other persons in 1 day, everyday. The grouping of these realities seem to form pools of cognitive thought (ie ideologies) that form target marketed, enthnically cultural life-styles. Think about life and style, those that choose a pre-made set of choices (which are to discern personal style or choice via personality) of a stylish reality, and those that chop away with machetes of determination. By defining our world views in a public forum, we gain perceptiveness via a deeper array of perspectives. (Regardless of how eclectic they may be).

Everything2 noders all have to think, regardless of sophistication levels displayed in node construction. The pure fact that someone is willing to share their experience, or idea in a public space that is open for scrutiny, means that we are learning ways to co-habitate and relate to each other. Not kill each other. So while i was putting in my contacts, hoping that i washed my hands enough so that my eye wouldn't sting and go red, i was pondering. Thinking about how i missed someone's friendship also, but with knwoing that the acceptance of other peoples chosen reality is a part of life. Even when it doesn't fit with your perspective understanding.

I enjoy writing, and thinking, it seems my best thoughts come to me as i sit here typing. I just don't want to seem like i'm pushing a certain way of thought, just expressing myself in a place where i can only gain deeper insight (or notice the other 90% of humans without the ability to accept that which may not make any sense whatsoever). I mailed some letters for my Unemployment Insurance, and a wedding RSVP, & bought a slice of pizza. Damn those cheap places that sell slices but only have plain cheese or pepperoni available. I had the tall man in flourescent orange hat to dump a handful of pineapple chunks on it.

I walked home, had just sat down and was deleting 300 email from my old British Columbia email account, when i got a call from my friend Ted. We went out to an arcade in Scarborough, amidst a crack whore core, went out to his place, got some hamburgers and poutine, and enjoyed some of his tomatos. Watched an entire Aeon Flux video, and i came back here. Wide awake at 4:00 am, since i stayed up so late last night. I'm off to bed, and i hope that tomorrow holds a less active-oriented calm, so i can study, or even work on some of my music!

Thinking can cause insomnia, but i'd much rather live with the pain than accept ignorance.



Hmmm hmmm hmmm...

The morning started lazily. Stomach growls, macaroni getting boiled. Yawn.

I saw dream about nightly bus trip, but I can't remember enough to make a dream log entry. Dammit! Tomorrow, I'll won't use the alarm clock (or any of my three alarm clocks =), because that seems to be the reason why I can't remember the dreams at all...


You Know You Have Been Noding Too Much When You Try To Find +/- Buttons From =)

OK, now I've bashed through Usenet... and mail... Trying to think something cool to do when it apparently rains outside or something.


Listened to some SID music... and discovered the Skeptic's Annotated Bible - that thing rocks! I'm a Christian, not a "Bible believer". I've always said it's just a guide, not something that fell from the sky. =)


Toyed around with UAE. UAE has one Really Annoying Feature: No matter what settings I use, keyboard is always too fast and mouse never does doubleclicks. Hrmph. I'd also need a NewIcon for vim...

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: übercool NewIcons WorkBench Amiga Forever (Hmm, I think my noding is often kind of "stuff I did today about which no one has yet noded about =)

there was no good reason for me to think i'd be feeling this way tonight. we watched a movie with naked men and vespas and talked about subtle human psychoses, smoked cigarettes on the porch, went to the rib eye and a big lump of white loogeyness came out of my creamer and some aging hipster offered to buy everyone steak. and on the way home, we were talking so innocently about casual sex and colleen says,

'you get tested, right?'

well, no. not right. as a matter of fact, so fucking far from right i could feel the world swallowing me up as we drove through the darkness. nothing that even approaches right, not even the same species, too opposite to be described with a mere antonym.

she tried to make it better, by telling me why i should. of course, i knew all that. past tense. knew it and somehow forgot about it. i think about crabs, about herpes, things you see a physical manifestation of. i trust that my partners, if nothing else, would be good enough humans not to knowingly expose strangers to diseases. but what if they didn't know? what if they had a disease, and it wasn't something whose symptoms show up until long after it's too late? what if one of them had

the big one?

how could i be so blind? i have been tested, but not recently enough to have it mean anything. i talk and i tout the virtue of personal responsiblity. and then i turn around and treat sex like it was nothing, that all it need be is consensual and 'safe' and i've done my part. but they taught us a long time ago, there is no safe, never ever, not for sure.

i realize the probability is tiny, so small that if i were to round it would be labled impossibility. but that's the funny thing about probability - no matter what the chances are, it still either is or it isn't and no grey area exists. i have never known a condom to break. i have had mishaps, two, but with people i more or less trusted. but there's another easy trap, consoling myself with faith in my own judgement of character. and i don't know who he slept with who slept with her fiancee who slept with his college girlfriend who slept with her high school boyfriend who got so drunk one night before he met her and found himself naked the next morning next to the girl who died of aids just last year.

i'm amazed, that they spent so much time beating that logic into us all, and i allowed myself to completely ignore its existance. but reality has colonized my garden of eden like some quick-breeding, high pollinating tree of knowledge and damn. i know now, don't i. i remember it all, in a thunderclap. and, my god

(i am so sorry)
14:13 EET

My mom is taking a trip to an island near Turku, so I had to get up at 7 to see my little sister makes it to the school taxi in time. Naturally, I couldn't get sleep until 5 o'clock. With the few hours of downtime got after my sis left, the total amount of snoozing was around 4 hours. Tired? You bet.
Always following Murphy's Law, I missed the bus and had to walk to the office. It wasn't actually that bad, since the weather kicked ass. Cloudy, moderately warm and accompanied by a small cool breeze. Nice.

An employee of my current client company popped in with some requests, material etc. There are two sections of the company I'm doing work for, and the difference between them is incredible. The other section - which the guy visiting us works for - is really helpful and generally interested in the project. The second unit though has given us the impression they don't give a rat's ass about the whole job, and are constantly being extremely uncooperative and difficult. I wish the whole thing could go through the better section, but those are the breaks.

After the client's visit, there is a mountain of stuff to do before the project is finally finished. No mad noding spree coming from me in a few days I'm afraid.

Today's Writeups
Muu | Roland SH-7 | Roland SH-09

Finland Metanode | Roland | Why Does Sauna Feel Good?

Some idiot at the university threw all my bacterial strains in the waste. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Now I won´t be able to do any labwork in some days, or as long as it takes for the new cultures to grow after beeing fetched from the really, really cold freezer. The one it hurts to touch.

I have a pretty good idea who did this dirty deed, probably by mistake (out of stupidity rather than spite). But what disturbs me is he won´t admit it. There are actually no more suspects, since it´s only him and me sharing the fridge where my strains are kept.

Too bad he´s my supervisor and upsetting him by blunt accusations could cause some irreparabel damage to the jolly spirits at the lab. No can do.

But...I can silently plan for revenge and strike when he least expects it, purely out of spite.

Good God yesterday was a waste of a day.

The last two miles home, were terrible being that I could not see well enough to drive thanks to the weather. I stepped out of my truck into my garage, where I could hear the Extreme Weather Sirens blaring. I got inside to check on poor JarJAr, only to find out that he was loving this storm. He would run to the window, jump into the sill and swat at the falling rain drops.

Right about this time, my friend "Pugsley" came over, he needed shelter from the storm, and he was in my new neighborhood, so he hunkered down for a while, while we waited for the storm to blow by.
Now I try hard not to speak ill of any of my friends, however, when Pugsley is around things get broken. He rarely thinks before he acts, and when he does, the thought is totally unrelated to the situation at hand, so you really end up getting nowhere with Pugs. He's 18 years old, just started college weighs about 350lbs. He's a big ol' boy. If his brother were not such a close friend then I would probably not know him at all.

When he finally left at 8:30 anm's wife called to invite me to go to dinner with them. When I arrived they had just called anm's parents, so I just sat around and played with the parrot until they got off the phone at 9:15. We arrived at the resturaunt at 9:30, the same time they close. We then went to Long John Silvers for fish and fries. By the time I got home it was 10:30.

I got absolutely nothing done yesterday, that sucks, I got a lot of work to do on my Linux box (Mordecai). I'm hoping I can talk everyone out of coming over tonight.

Here it goes again, why downvote a daylog, why vote on a daylog at all? What a waste of a gift.

This is actually about yesterday
My brother had some friends over. One of his female friends Jess came to my room. She invited a friend over, Dawn, and she met us in my room. My brother was with his other friends in his room. After sitting for a while, just chatting, this girl I hardly knew says to me, "You're really really hot." I was like, Jesus Christ, what tha fuck is this all about? I just want my girlfriend

Brodo, my girlfriend left for 10 months on August 12, 2000. Best of luck with your future together.
Update: I finished my writeup in Her name was Natalie. My writeup is about Natalie, who is my love who left for 10 months. I hope you enjoy reading it, and a special thanks.
I just realised something. I normally node my daylog first thing in the morning, as soon as I get to 'work'. It means I usually talk about the previous evening or the drive to work. How dull. Today I figured my daylog would be a lot more interesting if I waited until at least mid-afternoon. Sadly, nothing interesting happened today. Well, in any case... I noded some stuff: It isn't nodervertising. Honestly.

Big Brother continues to grip the nation. Now that Nick has been thrown out, he has been replaced by Claire. A 25 year old from Buckinghamshire who has had cosmetic surgery (a breast augmentation). Well, that's all very nice, and I'm getting closer to noding Big Brother on a week by week basis.

Well, work is slow, my phone hasn't rung once today, and I am tired. I did find a great node or two that wasn't mine in the past few days, both of which made me cry with laughter:

  1. "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
  2. Prince Phillip
See you tomorow

Well, it's time to go see my new advisor about fixing up my schedule. If I'm lucky I might just slip out of this place in less than a decade. Yay for changing your major!
Spent last night watching Vampire Hunter D with a bunch of friends. Damn, I need to get out of the dorm like they did. Having a house is cool, even if they have to share the place five ways.
couldn't sleep at all last night. before i even tried to go to bed i could hear my intestines rumbling loudly. i was worried about the effects the barium might have on my bowels. a guy i work with mentioned that when he had barium it made him have unexpected and urgent diarrhea. but i was also told it might cause constipation. i didn't know what to expect.

but i was afraid to break wind... i was worried that it might not just be wind, if you know what i mean. i was up all night going from the bed to the toilet. i'd sit on the pot and produce a big long fart, then go back to bed.

the cramping was pretty bad all night. but i never did have any awful surprises. i experienced neither diarrhea or constipation. i just farted all night.

when i started getting ready for work, i had a morning cigarette which seemed to loosen things up a bit and finally i had a bowel movement. not hard, not liquid. but white. white like clay. albino poopies. i've been 'going' more than usual today, but nothing urgent. no cramps since this morning.

more than anyone wanted to know, i'm sure.

but i'm not worried about anyone but my man thinking i'm sexy. and he'll read this and still think i'm the most beautiful woman in the world.

so i'm tired, but in a happy mood regardless. today i will have dinner with my sister (we will have taco salad. today i have accomplished a cubic fuckload of work. today i am a white poopin' superwoman.


Today is the third day in a row that I have felt the pressure on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. It's like a constant twisting, its not so bad but its always lurking in the background, deep inside of me. My mind keeps drifting to death, suicide, or maybe someone else's funeral. I get weird. I loose control in a sense. When I'm alone I clentch my fists and my face contorts. My tongue sticks out slightly inbetween my clentched teeth. My eyes feel like they are about to go cross eyed. Oh fuck, I couldn't resist, I just punched myself in the forehead a few times. The scissors beckon. I want to bleed. I want to cut. I want to hurt. I wish I could just slash myself a few times and pop the baloon that keeps on filling with hot air, exerting this horrible pressure on me. It hurts. Its a pain as subtle as hunger pangs. I t hurts. I want to die. I can't stop thinking about it.Stupid bitch. I hate my life. I don't even know why. I think I'm in trouble when I begin to wonder if God exists. Im at that stage. What if I'm doing it all wrong. I'm so scared. How am I supposed to know? What is wrong with me? I know that this will go away, but there's the fear that this time the funk will stay. I've been trying hard the whole day not to hit myself. I have this buning urge just to hit myself and hit myself and not stop. But I'm afraid of losing control. I'm afraid of giving myself a concussion. I feel so fat and ugly. I'm scared to go back to school. I'm already worrying about who I will eat lunch with on the first day. Im so scared. I just want to sleep.

though I've not started the log here, I'm now gonna post my progress.

Six weeks ago I went on the patch to quit smoking.
They were too strong for me, so I started cutting them in half, which now gave me a months worth of patches.

I used them all up, but I still smoke usually two or three a day.

Today I've had one so far,so...

Slappy's Smkoe Log:

Smokes Today: 3
updated 1201 23 Aug 2000

See, the thing is... I LOVE SMOKING. shit.

I came home from a long day of coding Java to a ringing telephone. A man with a thick accent asked me if I lost a pager.

Voice: Did you lose a pager?
Me: No, I don't even own a pager.
Voice: No no no, did you lose a pager?
Me (slightly irritated): No, I said I don't have a pager. Sorry.
Voice: No no, you no understand. Did you lose a pigeon?!?
Me: A pigeon?
Voice: Yes, pigeon. There is a band around it's leg with this telephone number on it.

This is totally true. I have never owned a pigeon (and frankly never intend to). I would have taken it in, but it's diet would then consist solely of cigarette butts and Coke.

woke up.

tasted what could have been vomit in my mouth. pretty sure i didn't puke last night tho.

so thinking about that, and all the "you're a drunk" commets tossed my way lately, it made me feel a little ashamed.

and i resolved; not to go out, not to get drunk. tonight that is.

but then i'm sitting here doing a little WU research. and i hit all these sex nodes. i'm at work you know - the hands stay out from under the desk. but all i'm thinking is; it's been a while since i got laid. and it's only a Tuesday.

so i think - sheesh, now i've gotta go out. i'm not going to get laid sitting here reading Vonnegut.
We're none of us perfect. Me least of all, some days.

Today I didn't do anything particularly wrong, except accusing my team of being unfair because each of them is more than willing to expense $40 - $50 per week on alcohol (clearly against company policy) while I have to pay for my own laundry and dry cleaning because the budget is being eaten by booze. Not that I'm bitter. I'm sure that if I drank as much I'd see the humor in the situation. Why is it that sometimes when we talk about being "team players" it means a few people are going to get screwed to the benefit of everyone else?

Other than that I'm just getting surly about the whole work situation. No good prospects, and my current path will have me staying in a cheap motel in Tallahassee, Florida for two years. Not that I'm bitter.

On the good news front, I finally talked to my sister and her family and my grandmother today, after not being able to make a connection with them for a month. It was good to talk to everyone, even if I did interrupt their dinner. And I managed to make another executive decision at work about the direction of our knowledge management. I suppose that's the sort of thing I can put on my resume - "rescued knowledge from imminent deletion". That'll sound good.... until someone asks me to define "knowledge" ;)

The last bit of good news is that I put suet in the feeder again, and the endangered Hairy Woodpecker family came back, even though there had been no food for them for three weeks.

Today I am twenty. It feels just like nineteen except I'm bald now. Twenty, like nineteen is one of those yucky in-between ages. Eighteen is a big deal, Twenty-One is a bigger deal... nineteen and twenty... just another candle.

I went to work today. I do every day, mostly. I didn't really have anything to do so I played Mindrover for a bit. Two hours or so.
Then I looked at everthing for a while. Nothing to node, so I read. I am almost to level 6 in XP. I need to double my writeups to reach it though. I want to put a picture up so you all know how hideous I truly am.

After that I played Team Fortress Classic for about an hour.
I love my job.

I got my mouse today. I got another Razer Boomslang. My manager bought it for me to take home, because he is basing his bid for CIO around my mad leet skillz or something. So he bought me a $100 USD gaming mouse so I didn't have to keep carting the one back and forth every day.

Dinner was good. My wife is a great cook. My home server was crashing mapisp.dll every time the voice mail software ran, so I reinstalled Office 2000 to fix it. I had screwed with the user profiles and it stopped working. The voice mail still worked (luckily), but it was just annoying.

Today it was void's turn to make me think. Think about childhood, growing up, my mother, myself, and my friends. Almost one year ago I completely changed my life. For all intents and purposes I am a completely different person than the one who grew up with my mother. And, since then, Everything has been so new and wonderful. I am building the types of friendships I always wanted at a rate I never believed possible. And it scares me. I'm opening up so fast to so many so soon... it's overwhelming. It makes me question my actions.

I've never done this before. My whole life has been spent moving from place to place. I spend a maximum of two years in a house and then move, many times it has been less than one. And, in doing so, I never let myself get close to anyone because I knew I would leave them very soon. But now, now that I have finally taken control of my life, and moved to the only town that ever felt like home to me, I am allowing myself to make those deeper connections with people. But it's all so new I wonder if I'm being too careless. Friendships have always been a very precious thing to me. The superficial "hang out at lunch and talk about work" relationships that most people have with each other barely count as aquaintances to me. And yet, I have at least four people moving into that position in my life right now. And I'm having to completely wing it. To play it all by ear...

And then there was Karen. Void and I spoke about keeping up old friendships and I realized that she was the only one I actively worked to keep. She, whom I loved for so many years. She who has become my best friend in the world again. She who makes me wonder if some part of me is not still in love with her. I know that nothing could happen between us now, but we have both grown so much in our separation, and some day we may each be in a place where we can be more than friends again... and what then?

Thank you for your questions void, and thank you for your curiosity.

<<   {hojita} Day Log Navigation   >>

As I was driving around school last week, on my last trip of junk from my nearby summer apartment, I noticed some writing in chalk on the wall of a parking building on a parking lot wedged between the Computer Science and the Chemistry buildings. It was hard to read, but I squinted in the extreme humidity, and managed to make out in huge chalk letters: "The Death of Creativity Begins Here."

That's pretty much how this year looks to turn out. Albeit, this is another early judgement, being that I've only been to two classes out of five so far, but it's not looking so hot. I've developed the useful habit of always carrying a book around with me wherever I go. Whenever a class gets boring, I pull out the book and start reading. I've developed some sort of knack to be balance the amount of attention that the class and the reading both deserve so that I can do both at once. But, it's depressing to go to a class only to realize that you are going to do nothing, and that your being there is almost a total waste. Today was already a 50% reading day. I finished my book. (Rainbow Mars by Larry Niven if you care. It was...ok, to say the most.)

School makes me feel like a droid. Going to class tends to make me lose interest in whatever subject I had wanted to pursue. I begin the school year excited about my classes, thinking wow...look at all this cool stuff I'll get to learn about. I'll admit it: learning excites me. Yet, for some reasons the teachers more often than not turn off whatever interest I have in the material. They force me to do work that has little to do with the class itself. They have poor teaching methods. They don't care about their students. Favorite well-read books once presented in class become a part of my dusty shelf, never again touched. I almost wish I could have the learning without the school. I don't mean without the work, because learning is not automagical. But...the itself kills any sort of creative push or drive I have.

"Intellectual climate", my fscking arse.

It sounds weird, and it almost makes me wonder what I'm doing at school. I got offered a job (if I would quit school) at perhaps what would be my dream job. I turned it down so I could finish and get a degree. But why? What am I doing here if my creativity and drive to learn is stifled here at college?

I guess...well, hmm. I'm in Marching Band. I don't particularily like the music we play, I'm not partial to the marching itself, and the uniforms I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole if they weren't required. But I do it...because of the people there and the fun they make me have. I guess I'm at school because I can be. I don't have another point in my life to be this close to so many different friends, so many different people, and have a chance to develop socially and emotionally.

School is the death of my creativity, in part, and it tears me up inside when I can see that on a daily basis, but at the same time being at this school helps me grow in more ways that intellectually. I guess that's probably what college is more about anyway.
Coming out at the underground downtown Berkeley station. A bench full of boys, teenagers. Two or three girls walking in front of me. Boys growing louder and punching each other in the shoulder. There must be ten of them. They surge up, and one is propelled to the front of the miniature mob. They're so loud. He's yelling MTV endearments at her. He's calling her his girl. She has never seen him before. He is suddenly all over her, touching her shoulders, her arms, her chest. She stumbles away from him, toward the tracks. Her friends do nothing but giggle in embarassment. The other guys are yelling, hooting, bouncing up and down. She has kept walking all this time, though, and he doesn't stay with her for more than a few steps. He swaggers back to his bench to the shouted approval of the others. Their single stare turns back toward the approaching train, waiting for the next amusement.

Upstairs I saw a cop. Cops don't like any sort of disturbance on the transit system; better yet, this is a six-feet-tall, female cop. I watched the stream of commuters ahead of me as they passed the gates and then the cop. Nothing. I've been debating me the entire time.

I tell the cop, in mild terms. She looks peeved and heads for the stairs.

It was a strange day.

He's here.

I have no idea the amount of endorphins released into my body when a loved one slowly traces the ridge of my collarbone with his tongue, with his fingers ... but it's gotta be more than the recommended dosage. I shouldn't be operating heavy machinery right now, I'm sure.

There really is no better drug in the world.

And that's about the extent of my creativity today.

I gave oral sex to my woman. She came three times. She told me she could kill for me. She left a wet spot on the bed.

This is one of the greatest days of my life.

So, my birthday! yep. and I am older than most of you :-)

2 days ago I picked my friend Cia up from the airport and departed for the Alpine Lakes Wilderness, specificallly the Enchantment Lakes. This is an area between I-90 and Highway 2 in the central Cascades of Washington. Extremely scenic, and rugged, it is known for the hundreds of lakes and tarns above 5000 feet.

We had a good time, catching up on our various travels. We went out years ago, but now communicate by letter and share stories of the adventures we go on. Me in Vietnam, England and NZ.. Her in Bulgaria, Greece and Crete. We compare intermediate lovers and friends, pets and food. all in all a very scholarly relationship.

She writes well, but can't spend more than 30 minutes at a computer, so E2 is out. I may dictate some of it in for posterity. Now it is 2 am and I have been in the 3rd decade of my life for a whole day. my upstairs neighbors (see Bastards) are making noise again. I plot seething revenge, and node quietly.

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